Tuesday, August 31

tap tap tap at 20:29

Little Yellow Spider and Be Kind from Nino Rojo... x

tap tap tap at 12:38

Monday, August 30

This is the soup that I believe in.
This is the smoke I'm always breathing.
This is the way I share my breakfast.
This is the way I serve my sentence...
This is the sound that swims inside me.
That circle sound is what surrounds me.
This is the land that grows around me.
And these are the hands that come in handy.

I liked Mr Banhart best, and the things that crept behind closed eyes when I ate all mushies. There was lots of fire and lots of irish.

tap tap tap at 15:19

Wednesday, August 25

"Girls and boys come out to play... on the busy motorway..."

Excited now. If anybody wants me... i'll be in a tent in a field, so many miles from here... My head? Well, that'll be in a whole different place. x

tap tap tap at 19:52

This is the descent. At least I think that is what it is, in my current state. I'm going to end up dead, I can feel it. Just my luck, with everything ahead and all. Why am I so ridiculous. I ask you? It's just a big joke. So unstable. Shocking. Even when all the world stops spinning and it's just me, the moon and the stars... I'm just fucked. To be honest. Love love love. Let's talk about hate hate hate.

tap tap tap at 18:05

Silly boys. I don't react well to seeing the old boy with a new girl.

tap tap tap at 15:23

Tuesday, August 24

We met up, a few of the usual crew, before hand Gillian and I smoked on the swings, then we met up. She has a really beautiful personality. It was dark and everyone was indoors as you would expect, you can always expect things in Knaresborough because things are always planned and predicted and formal like that. Everyone was a little excited about the festival so there were no damp hearts, though there were damp seats and walls and damp moss. The lack of people compelled me to climb up the jagged walls into the castle, it's so safe up there, and maybe even warm. I tell you this because I am proud, it feels like another victory, I feel like a thief or a really brilliant lover.

tap tap tap at 21:58

I'm falling own again, it's so obvious. All the positive energy has worn off. Feeling good has become tiresome for this sly teen, back to the drawing board. I'll sketch some new ideas of how to be exciting and reliable, shame that I'm not reliable, completely un-reliable. I'm all talk, no action. I disappoint myself. I thought things were going ok, didn't you? But as soon as the headaches get too bad again, and I take a few steps into school, and I get sick of every CD I own, and I get sick of searching universities for the right course, and my bed isn't comfy anymore, and the TV doesn't satisfy me... and the only place left to go is into a book where I don't exist... I feel physically sick, it's probably nerves, or realism, or pessimism creeping up the arched spine as I type. That 'needy' feeling, I want! I want! I want! But... so I've heard, I want: doesn't get. Fuck fuck fucking failure.

All the people I love don't even seem to know it.

tap tap tap at 18:12

Monday, August 23

Mon beau petit appareil-photo ! Pourquoi doit-tout mourir ?

tap tap tap at 20:42

Sunday, August 22

We wont get any closer if we don't keep walking.
I think you all should know that.

I want to make films damnit. And I will.
You'll all star, but you wont know it.

Are you listening to me?!

Oh... fuck... you know what I really want, don't you?

tap tap tap at 22:44

"I wonder in what fields today
you're chasing dragonflies at play
my little lost girl
so far away "

tap tap tap at 13:46

I wish I could take some of the sea away with me.







Even when we didn't speak the waves left a conversational noise, almost industrial, and it felt like enough talking was being done.

Chariots of silver and copper-
Bows of steel and silver-
Beat the foam-
Raise up the stumps of bramble.
The currents of the moor
And the huge ruts of the ebb tide,
Flow circularly toward the East,
Toward the pillars of the forest,
Toward the poles of the pier,
Whose angle is struck by whirls of light.

tap tap tap at 11:19

Friday, August 20

Tom and I are going to the seaside tomorrow! The big blue, the sand, the scent of it all! I can smell it already.

I must try and contain this hyperactivity by then.

tap tap tap at 20:04

Girls and boys.

That feeling of anonymity, and realising that maybe everyone else feels the same, because we are all very different, and the only thing that would adjoin us is a little bag of green stuff in my back pocket. It could be depressing, but it isn't, it's just the way it is. Some sit content with the TV and the people beside them, and I... well I just want to get the hell out, or stick on some music that blasts the cobwebs from their ears. Arriving at school, people didn't say a word to me and Gillian, they hate us, we hate them. I'm not sure how things got like this, but my feelings are sparse about the matter. The people we hang about with today mean little really, they just fill the gaps and offer nice smiles when we want them. I can't talk to girls other than Gillian and Anna seriously, I just patronise and stare until I feel sick and yet they don't notice, I think that's how all girls talk to each other.

tap tap tap at 11:46

Wednesday, August 18

Hide and seek in the morning. 45 minutes hiding behind a bush with Phil, he smells of playdoh.

I spent maybe 3o minutes in the garden reading about Francis Bacon's portraits today, and decided I might just apply to study philosophy next year. I left a few crumbs and flies in the book.

Tomorrow I get my As-Level results. I'm nervous, but for the wrong reasons.

Now the weather is ominous, the clouds are like nicotine floating about in a unhealthy lung.

Now rain pours too, if I wern't so boring I'd jump outside and lie in it's path.

tap tap tap at 18:11

Tuesday, August 17

There have been times where I have sat alone hoping something/someone would whisk me away to a place beyond this town, beyond this frame of mind and this stench of the weekday boredom, but to my surprise that feeling has gone. This is bliss... well almost. I can hardly forget that in the coming days I will receive my AS-results, attempt to explain to my councilor that "actually I'm ok, and maybe I shouldn't be here at all, the psychologist doesn't need to analyse me" and try in vain to start my art project. Art's all very well until someone stands behind you telling you you're doing it wrong, or that you wont meet the deadline.

I don't like this style of writing, I shall stop. It reads like a gossip column. Bah.

The parents are back... no more parties. I have the best holiday of my life... in my own home.

tap tap tap at 14:44

Monday, August 16

I'm going to miss this space around me, this distance above my head, and Anna, too.

tap tap tap at 20:07

Saturday, August 14

tap tap tap at 20:09

Haha. Hahahaaa. You know, it's odd, it's strange, I lost it, then I found it again. I've found it now, right now. I'm crying about the things that I used to love to cry about. Ahaha. What will I say? I'm writing again... see? All mixed up. Hahahahahahaaaa. I want to laugh so hard that my chest breaks and my hair stands on end. Really... what's going on? It's just me and the world. I'd love that.

tap tap tap at 16:34

Alone like this. Never more.

tap tap tap at 13:21

Maybe it was 3.30 or 4.30, the sweet smell of warm vomit began to penetrate the walls about that time. A bowl of red, white sticks of brown, and a little bottle half full of horror. 5 hours of numb face, noodles, hash browns... Just like a dream. So much to think about, whirligig.

It's tight and the air is thin up here.

tap tap tap at 12:42

I have NEVER felt like this before.

tap tap tap at 12:05

Friday, August 13

Make an incision in the chest, then fiddle with the wires... stitch up as appropriate.

tap tap tap at 23:50

Lately I've been bouncing really hard from side to side, to see if I can hit the edges.

tap tap tap at 18:22