Friday, July 30

OK, an update. I don't think I'll be writing here again, as there isn't much to say and I can't write anymore(!?) as you will have noticed. I'm not even making a new blogger this time for reasons such as never being able to create the perfect template, and the ability to edit. To be honest the internet no longer provides much interest for me, though I'm sure I'll still loiter amongst you all (all? pah) via Msn messenger etc. One might say I am going through rather a 'rough patch' or something along those lines, I'm scared of mystery and parallel to this; openness. I guess when one or two things go topsy turvy the whole landscape can seem to roll away too. I find myself very boring and disapointing, and to re-evaluate my boring self in the form of a diary/blog just emphasizes this thought, everything is very vague, very vague indeed.

So I hope you all (again, I sigh) wish me luck in my conquest to regain some sort of stability, personality, purpose, ambition and confidence... Farewell. Xxzy.

tap tap tap at 21:58

Saturday, July 17

I cried for a long time last night, as if there was nothing else to do. I didn't sleep when I wanted to and ended up waking far too late in the day today. The gig last night was calm, though I held my breath as tight as I could when Oliver said words I didn't want to hear, the insults stabbed me into a heap crumpled by the isle. I faced the stage and sometimes turned to Gillian, often receiving an appreciative smile. It wasn't perfect, but it never is. It's never dark in my house, I may have to invest in some black-out curtains.

I can't tell much more, because it would all be lies. I'm not a pathological liar, but I can't seem to see reality anymore. I find myself so immersed in not being able to talk, then suddenly hyperactive, that saying the wrong things is far to easy to do.
 
I watched my new video, I've tried to do some painting.
 
London was ok, I met Renny, I bought a pocket watch. I'm not myself, so please be sure to specify which part of my personality you require when you approach me.

tap tap tap at 20:52

"If you don't close your eyes... then you wont be able to see anything." Said Alice.

tap tap tap at 18:51

Saturday, July 10

Listening to - The Books

tap tap tap at 20:43

I feel like I'm wavering between two points. One being death the other being life. This is normal behaviour.

tap tap tap at 09:59

Thursday, July 8

Oh frankie. OH FRANKIE.

You do know how to fuck up, don't you dear.

Grab a hold of this rollercoaster?

"I'm sorry" said the left side of the brain.
"No you're not" replied the right.

8 people, trapped inside one trench coat.

I'll see to this, I assure you. But maybe not by Tuesday, when we all go on our jolly little trip. Just... just make sure I don't do something stupid. Though, London does seem like a good place to do stupid things.

On another note, Too much love? Real love? True love.

Oh god. If I could film this, if I could, then things would be different. No, this isn't some lewd sex act. No this, this is truth. Truth, bent. So bent that it seems like the truth in it's purest form, so true to one that it seems completly false to another.

Is this a build up to the meeting with the mental health people? Is this imagination? Is this because I watched a film?

Probably. Maybe I'll take a stab in the dark, just for a few answers.

A roll of film, where nothing ever changes, from one frame to the next. At least... that's how it looks when it isn't moving.

I wont go to school tomorrow, I can't handle that.

tap tap tap at 22:41

Wednesday, July 7

I drove today, my knee is locked.
This is/was now.
Hopeless.

tap tap tap at 16:15

tap tap tap at 16:00

Tuesday, July 6

Love lost, love gained. Swings, swings and round abouts. I don't know. It hurts. I miss him. Another time, another place and maybe I wouldn't.

tap tap tap at 15:55

Monday, July 5

Today I realised how hard it can be to talk sense, real words, not just conversational 'yes's and 'right's.

Probably result of reading 'The Outsider'...

I'm so unoriginal.

At least Tom and I spent some time together.

tap tap tap at 20:47

Sunday, July 4

Eventually they'll throw me so high up in the air, that I wont come back down.

tap tap tap at 22:16

Something sucks all the air out of me, I'm here. Lines of water, vertical, it's sunday. Duvet leaves me broken, now where to? It's perfect. Morning television, orange and blue... will always be there for me, for you.

tap tap tap at 10:12

tap tap tap at 10:02

Thursday, July 1

There's thunder. I can't be sick. I keep dozing off. I feel guilty for feeling tired in my lessons, I can't concentrate for too long without wanting to melt into a heap on the floor under the table. Every single word comes out wrong, like a red scalf stiched with blue wool.

tap tap tap at 19:25