Thursday, September 23
I want to be so cold that I might shatter if kissed. I want to cry but the tears don't come. A lemon in the fruit bowl, ripe to squeeze. I'm greasy and I slip through your fingers.
It's quite cold now, because it's winter. I love it, don't you? Shortly I will go out for a walk with my friend, to clear my head. We wont go too deep but we'll appreciate every minute of each other's company. We'll go to the river, and follow the path that never ends, she wont smoke because she's quit and maybe I'll take photos. I just know it.
tap tap tap at 20:00
Wednesday, September 22
No energy left. Killing myself slowley with busyness. Need some uppers, or friends will do.
tap tap tap at 21:49
Thursday, September 16
Sleeping in the corner, dreaming of the whole room. What's the matter? I ask myself. But I don't know the answer. Do broken hearts ever heal? Not in Knaresborough. I want out... please... but I don't want to fill out a UCAS form, please...
Godspeed you! Black emperor. Splash of cymbals, etc etc
tap tap tap at 21:33
tap tap tap at 21:27
Wednesday, September 15
I'm so frustrated, so so so...
I feel sick with fear, sick with fear...
Want to hide. Can I hide with you?
tap tap tap at 19:22
Thursday, September 9
I feel rubbish. How do you illustrate rubbish?
tap tap tap at 15:39
Monday, September 6
I want to say something really poetic, and heart-felt, and knowledgeable, and spine-tingling...
The truth is I'm far too boring for that. You know? Really damn boring, because I'm at that stage when I can look over my shoulder and there's no one behind me. So much is missing.
I'm reading four books at once, it's stupid, I know that. They're all pretty ace you see. I don't think there's much else to say... oh.... I'm lonely?
tap tap tap at 18:11
Sunday, September 5
"Let's destroy everything!" -Looks around feverishly-
"Later."
tap tap tap at 19:18
Friday, September 3
Stupid little girl seeks stupid little boy. No commitment, just holding and squabbling.
Back to the grindstone. Whatever that means.
tap tap tap at 17:09
Thursday, September 2
Today I heard what the sun was saying, and I said it back to him...
tap tap tap at 15:46
Wednesday, September 1
Last night I dreamt that things were back to 'normal', me and Oliver safe and warm, together. It hurts so much, I never thought the tears would come back. That cavity in my chests feels full of a melted heart, a liquid and sloppy and gloopy, red and transparent. It keeps rising like a wave, trying to get out of my mouth, I wont let it. I feel so sick. Where did I go wrong? There are all these predictable questions. He wasn't that good anyway.
Cue Morrissey... "Last night I felt real arms around me, no hope, no harm... just another false alarm."
tap tap tap at 10:11
Tuesday, August 31
tap tap tap at 20:29
Little Yellow Spider and Be Kind from Nino Rojo... x
tap tap tap at 12:38
Monday, August 30
This is the soup that I believe in.
This is the smoke I'm always breathing.
This is the way I share my breakfast.
This is the way I serve my sentence...
This is the sound that swims inside me.
That circle sound is what surrounds me.
This is the land that grows around me.
And these are the hands that come in handy.
I liked Mr Banhart best, and the things that crept behind closed eyes when I ate all mushies. There was lots of fire and lots of irish.
tap tap tap at 15:19
Wednesday, August 25
"Girls and boys come out to play... on the busy motorway..."
Excited now. If anybody wants me... i'll be in a tent in a field, so many miles from here... My head? Well, that'll be in a whole different place. x
tap tap tap at 19:52
This is the descent. At least I think that is what it is, in my current state. I'm going to end up dead, I can feel it. Just my luck, with everything ahead and all. Why am I so ridiculous. I ask you? It's just a big joke. So unstable. Shocking. Even when all the world stops spinning and it's just me, the moon and the stars... I'm just fucked. To be honest. Love love love. Let's talk about hate hate hate.
tap tap tap at 18:05
Silly boys. I don't react well to seeing the old boy with a new girl.
tap tap tap at 15:23
Tuesday, August 24
We met up, a few of the usual crew, before hand Gillian and I smoked on the swings, then we met up. She has a really beautiful personality. It was dark and everyone was indoors as you would expect, you can always expect things in Knaresborough because things are always planned and predicted and formal like that. Everyone was a little excited about the festival so there were no damp hearts, though there were damp seats and walls and damp moss. The lack of people compelled me to climb up the jagged walls into the castle, it's so safe up there, and maybe even warm. I tell you this because I am proud, it feels like another victory, I feel like a thief or a really brilliant lover.
tap tap tap at 21:58
I'm falling own again, it's so obvious. All the positive energy has worn off. Feeling good has become tiresome for this sly teen, back to the drawing board. I'll sketch some new ideas of how to be exciting and reliable, shame that I'm not reliable, completely un-reliable. I'm all talk, no action. I disappoint myself. I thought things were going ok, didn't you? But as soon as the headaches get too bad again, and I take a few steps into school, and I get sick of every CD I own, and I get sick of searching universities for the right course, and my bed isn't comfy anymore, and the TV doesn't satisfy me... and the only place left to go is into a book where I don't exist... I feel physically sick, it's probably nerves, or realism, or pessimism creeping up the arched spine as I type. That 'needy' feeling, I want! I want! I want! But... so I've heard, I want: doesn't get. Fuck fuck fucking failure.
All the people I love don't even seem to know it.
tap tap tap at 18:12
Monday, August 23
Mon beau petit appareil-photo ! Pourquoi doit-tout mourir ?
tap tap tap at 20:42
Sunday, August 22
We wont get any closer if we don't keep walking.
I think you all should know that.
I want to make films damnit. And I will.
You'll all star, but you wont know it.
Are you listening to me?!
Oh... fuck... you know what I really want, don't you?
tap tap tap at 22:44
"I wonder in what fields today
you're chasing dragonflies at play
my little lost girl
so far away "
tap tap tap at 13:46
I wish I could take some of the sea away with me.
Even when we didn't speak the waves left a conversational noise, almost industrial, and it felt like enough talking was being done.
Chariots of silver and copper-
Bows of steel and silver-
Beat the foam-
Raise up the stumps of bramble.
The currents of the moor
And the huge ruts of the ebb tide,
Flow circularly toward the East,
Toward the pillars of the forest,
Toward the poles of the pier,
Whose angle is struck by whirls of light.
tap tap tap at 11:19
Friday, August 20
Tom and I are going to the seaside tomorrow! The big blue, the sand, the scent of it all! I can smell it already.
I must try and contain this hyperactivity by then.
tap tap tap at 20:04
Girls and boys.
That feeling of anonymity, and realising that maybe everyone else feels the same, because we are all very different, and the only thing that would adjoin us is a little bag of green stuff in my back pocket. It could be depressing, but it isn't, it's just the way it is. Some sit content with the TV and the people beside them, and I... well I just want to get the hell out, or stick on some music that blasts the cobwebs from their ears. Arriving at school, people didn't say a word to me and Gillian, they hate us, we hate them. I'm not sure how things got like this, but my feelings are sparse about the matter. The people we hang about with today mean little really, they just fill the gaps and offer nice smiles when we want them. I can't talk to girls other than Gillian and Anna seriously, I just patronise and stare until I feel sick and yet they don't notice, I think that's how all girls talk to each other.
tap tap tap at 11:46
Wednesday, August 18
Hide and seek in the morning. 45 minutes hiding behind a bush with Phil, he smells of playdoh.
I spent maybe 3o minutes in the garden reading about Francis Bacon's portraits today, and decided I might just apply to study philosophy next year. I left a few crumbs and flies in the book.
Tomorrow I get my As-Level results. I'm nervous, but for the wrong reasons.
Now the weather is ominous, the clouds are like nicotine floating about in a unhealthy lung.
Now rain pours too, if I wern't so boring I'd jump outside and lie in it's path.
tap tap tap at 18:11
Tuesday, August 17
There have been times where I have sat alone hoping something/someone would whisk me away to a place beyond this town, beyond this frame of mind and this stench of the weekday boredom, but to my surprise that feeling has gone. This is bliss... well almost. I can hardly forget that in the coming days I will receive my AS-results, attempt to explain to my councilor that "actually I'm ok, and maybe I shouldn't be here at all, the psychologist doesn't need to analyse me" and try in vain to start my art project. Art's all very well until someone stands behind you telling you you're doing it wrong, or that you wont meet the deadline.
I don't like this style of writing, I shall stop. It reads like a gossip column. Bah.
The parents are back... no more parties. I have the best holiday of my life... in my own home.
tap tap tap at 14:44
Monday, August 16
I'm going to miss this space around me, this distance above my head, and Anna, too.
tap tap tap at 20:07
Saturday, August 14
tap tap tap at 20:09
Haha. Hahahaaa. You know, it's odd, it's strange, I lost it, then I found it again. I've found it now, right now. I'm crying about the things that I used to love to cry about. Ahaha. What will I say? I'm writing again... see? All mixed up. Hahahahahahaaaa. I want to laugh so hard that my chest breaks and my hair stands on end. Really... what's going on? It's just me and the world. I'd love that.
tap tap tap at 16:34
Alone like this. Never more.
tap tap tap at 13:21
Maybe it was 3.30 or 4.30, the sweet smell of warm vomit began to penetrate the walls about that time. A bowl of red, white sticks of brown, and a little bottle half full of horror. 5 hours of numb face, noodles, hash browns... Just like a dream. So much to think about, whirligig.
It's tight and the air is thin up here.
tap tap tap at 12:42
I have NEVER felt like this before.
tap tap tap at 12:05
Friday, August 13
Make an incision in the chest, then fiddle with the wires... stitch up as appropriate.
tap tap tap at 23:50
Lately I've been bouncing really hard from side to side, to see if I can hit the edges.
tap tap tap at 18:22
Friday, July 30
OK, an update. I don't think I'll be writing here again, as there isn't much to say and I can't write anymore(!?) as you will have noticed. I'm not even making a new blogger this time for reasons such as never being able to create the perfect template, and the ability to edit. To be honest the internet no longer provides much interest for me, though I'm sure I'll still loiter amongst you all (all? pah) via Msn messenger etc. One might say I am going through rather a 'rough patch' or something along those lines, I'm scared of mystery and parallel to this; openness. I guess when one or two things go topsy turvy the whole landscape can seem to roll away too. I find myself very boring and disapointing, and to re-evaluate my boring self in the form of a diary/blog just emphasizes this thought, everything is very vague, very vague indeed.
So I hope you all (again, I sigh) wish me luck in my conquest to regain some sort of stability, personality, purpose, ambition and confidence... Farewell. Xxzy.
tap tap tap at 21:58
Saturday, July 17
I cried for a long time last night, as if there was nothing else to do. I didn't sleep when I wanted to and ended up waking far too late in the day today. The gig last night was calm, though I held my breath as tight as I could when Oliver said words I didn't want to hear, the insults stabbed me into a heap crumpled by the isle. I faced the stage and sometimes turned to Gillian, often receiving an appreciative smile. It wasn't perfect, but it never is. It's never dark in my house, I may have to invest in some black-out curtains.
I can't tell much more, because it would all be lies. I'm not a pathological liar, but I can't seem to see reality anymore. I find myself so immersed in not being able to talk, then suddenly hyperactive, that saying the wrong things is far to easy to do.
I watched my new video, I've tried to do some painting.
London was ok, I met Renny, I bought a pocket watch. I'm not myself, so please be sure to specify which part of my personality you require when you approach me.
tap tap tap at 20:52
"If you don't close your eyes... then you wont be able to see anything." Said Alice.
tap tap tap at 18:51
Saturday, July 10
Listening to - The Books
tap tap tap at 20:43
I feel like I'm wavering between two points. One being death the other being life. This is normal behaviour.
tap tap tap at 09:59
Thursday, July 8
Oh frankie. OH FRANKIE.
You do know how to fuck up, don't you dear.
Grab a hold of this rollercoaster?
"I'm sorry" said the left side of the brain.
"No you're not" replied the right.
8 people, trapped inside one trench coat.
I'll see to this, I assure you. But maybe not by Tuesday, when we all go on our jolly little trip. Just... just make sure I don't do something stupid. Though, London does seem like a good place to do stupid things.
On another note, Too much love? Real love? True love.
Oh god. If I could film this, if I could, then things would be different. No, this isn't some lewd sex act. No this, this is truth. Truth, bent. So bent that it seems like the truth in it's purest form, so true to one that it seems completly false to another.
Is this a build up to the meeting with the mental health people? Is this imagination? Is this because I watched a film?
Probably. Maybe I'll take a stab in the dark, just for a few answers.
A roll of film, where nothing ever changes, from one frame to the next. At least... that's how it looks when it isn't moving.
I wont go to school tomorrow, I can't handle that.
tap tap tap at 22:41
Wednesday, July 7
I drove today, my knee is locked.
This is/was now.
Hopeless.
tap tap tap at 16:15
tap tap tap at 16:00
Tuesday, July 6
Love lost, love gained. Swings, swings and round abouts. I don't know. It hurts. I miss him. Another time, another place and maybe I wouldn't.
tap tap tap at 15:55
Monday, July 5
Today I realised how hard it can be to talk sense, real words, not just conversational 'yes's and 'right's.
Probably result of reading 'The Outsider'...
I'm so unoriginal.
At least Tom and I spent some time together.
tap tap tap at 20:47
Sunday, July 4
Eventually they'll throw me so high up in the air, that I wont come back down.
tap tap tap at 22:16
Something sucks all the air out of me, I'm here. Lines of water, vertical, it's sunday. Duvet leaves me broken, now where to? It's perfect. Morning television, orange and blue... will always be there for me, for you.
tap tap tap at 10:12
tap tap tap at 10:02
Thursday, July 1
There's thunder. I can't be sick. I keep dozing off. I feel guilty for feeling tired in my lessons, I can't concentrate for too long without wanting to melt into a heap on the floor under the table. Every single word comes out wrong, like a red scalf stiched with blue wool.
tap tap tap at 19:25
Monday, June 28
Drinks/drinks2.
tap tap tap at 22:07
"And I sing and sing of awful things
The pleasure that my sadness brings
As my fingers press onto the strings
In yet another clumsy chord
Haligh, haligh, an awful lie
This weight will now be satisfied
I'm gonna give you only one reply
I know not who I am
But I talk in the mirror
To the stranger that appears
Our conversations are circles
Always one sided
Nothing is clear"
Bright Eyes... damnit.
tap tap tap at 20:58
So, I'm staring the teacher in the eyes, he says to me "You have obvious potential Frankie, what with your creativity and you dedication, I'm sure you will succeed in the media area. This is definitely the time to get involved." I think he's lying. He's not lying. Is he? He is lying. Oh god. I'm a failure.
"Are you Frankie? The Frankie?" Says the teacher. I have no idea who she is, should I? "I've been trying to find out who you are, I've seen your art work."
"Oooh, thanks... thank you." I say shuffling away. What did she mean? She was smiling, that sort of smile liars have? Really I should have asked her what she meant. But I just wanted to run. We're going to York College on Wednesday to look at the foundation course they provide, and what it entails.
tap tap tap at 20:00
Sunday, June 27
Raise the corners of my mouth... he does.
tap tap tap at 18:58
"When the day is done, hope so much your race will be all run,
then you find you jumped the gun, have to go back where you began when the day is done."
tap tap tap at 17:24
Saturday, June 26
It was all so comfortable, this past year. Now everything is changing. I'm probably changing. Oh jesus. I feel like my core has been ripped out and re-filled with plaster, I am a rubber mould. Oliver appears to be going, the fact that all his friends know that he is definatly going, and I thought he might be going is making me paranoid. Was this his plan all along, so what if it was? I'm just a small part of it, even smaller, however, than I ever thought I was. I don't know why I feel so sick, but I can't find the reason - physically - for it. The fairytale has been burnt to cinders.
"Sing me a nursery rhyme to pass the time, while you burn."
tap tap tap at 18:23
Friday, June 25
Who wants to join me in diving into this pool of desire, and drowning?
tap tap tap at 19:11
Thursday, June 24
I have burnt my thumb in an act of violence.
Something of an ________ entry.
This morning I woke freezing in my sleeping bag, a chill whispering on my shoulders. I can't remember how I felt, or the weather, or the colour of my room. I arrived at school, I saw people looking at me, Gillian seemed in good spirits. As soon as I took the stairs to my locker I felt weighted, and I moved very slowly, something was dragging, pulling. A string. The string leads all the way from my house, and clings to me, wraps around my waist. The string on this occasion issued a series of thoughts; I should rewind, go back, start again. Nothing happened for a while, and then before I knew it I was in art.
Last night was horrible, I felt like I could have erupted with vomit at any given moment, between Liechtenstein-reverbs and the gentle sounds of Tom at the piano. It takes evenings such as that to put things in perspective. I really fucked up last year, where was my head? Why can't I get proportions right, why don't I take time? The best piece I created was in a stolen style, hardly noticeable in the hallways of technicolour and collage. I purposefully sat down tonight to address the issue; I've taken a fairly simple photograph (one of my 'Bath' series) and tried to recreate it simply with pencil. I'm appalled by my creation.
Serious thought must occur, I need to take some time getting to know my strengths and weaknesses, though at the moment only the latter are apparent. Eventually thought will progress to University/Career choices, if anyone has any ideas, other than moving to Greenland: let me know.
I feel alienated at school, more than ever. I think it's my own doing. I want to crawl under the table and not come out. I think I will suggest it to Gillian.
Things are calmer now than they were earlier. I was on the verge of tears mid-school, and again just before Oliver left for Nottingham, however I swallowed the burning juices that linger on the back of my throat and in the corner of my eyes and started rushing around in all directions trying to keep up with my ideas/worries. My heart must have been 100 miles an hour by the time I got home. I like the rain.
tap tap tap at 19:45
Tuesday, June 22
Did you fall? Or were you too easy to push?
tap tap tap at 20:22
My new favourite film.
www.the-dreamers.com
tap tap tap at 00:10
Monday, June 21
Parallel worlds.
I find myself stood over the guillotine, and where the head should be there is an arm, stretching, it can't reach the apple. The apple is poisoned, but still glistening in the summer sun, and I am waking to the sounds of soldiers marching on air, a noisy silence.
I find myself irritating, obnoxious, witless, monotonous, relentless, passive, impulsive, hypocritical, indecisive, brain dead, contrived, suspicious, serious, disapointing, an echo/pattern, unavoidable, gutless, insensitive, defensive, spontaneous.
Parallel worlds.
tap tap tap at 23:54
What
WHAT
I
What.
tap tap tap at 23:31
Sunday, June 20
When you think you're not real it's so easy to lose control. I could vanish at any moment.
"Did you miss me? I bet you did."
tap tap tap at 20:54
The kitchen was full of the types I'd avoid on the street, around the edges were the drinkers in the low cut tops, half-way up the stairs were the dying miscreants polluted by the teenage dream.
A group of non-socialites (including my fading self) smoked sheesha in the shed, supped on some stolen vodka, then added herbs to the sheesha and waited patiently for the bicycles and balls to start performing a levitated display. My best friends and I sang our favourite tunes in synchronised mutual love, and danced our feet sore on the vomit coloured carpet. Big fish, little fish, all fall down. Through thin walls I heard the echoes of the 'dead wood', alive with sexual pretence, locked into/onto each other like dirty flies in shit, squealing at their new purchases on the food chain of teenage consumption.
Amongst the "we" there was no Oliver, though eventually I took a sleepy orange-lit car journey to his house and stayed the night, quiet as a mouse.
There's no art in party.
tap tap tap at 16:51
Things really are sweet today, I think sucking on the candy cane for brekfast did the trick.
tap tap tap at 14:39
Saturday, June 19
www.moderntoss.com
tap tap tap at 18:18
Wednesday, June 16
When plans don't go to plan.
I'm left empty stomached and empty hearted sitting amongst children and strangers and flesh and bone in the castle gardens, I ache from the rushing up stone stairs, I suck my dry tongue in my dry mouth with anxiety. I run from seat to seat with book in hand, there might as well not be any words in the book because I am blank as it looks. I fear the man with the water hose; he's watching me, the pensioners; they are watching me, they all talk about that time ten years ago when they sat in the sun and watched the boats slither across the river, but I know that never happened and that they have never been here, not like I have, and the place and time they speak of was a different place all together with similar walls and greens reflecting the summer sun.
Minutes in groups of ten have passed, I can't imagine there are any people about now; only their shapes and their noises remain, I'm too far lost within the nonsense of the book to look and check, I read sentences again and again until they mean exactly what I want them to mean. The draft is creeping up the back of my shirt, I'm facing the viaduct with nothing to obstruct my view of the blood brown river, above this the tinkering orange workmen on the railway track and the bleached sky quietly sleeping on the horizon. My fingers are powdery as I turn the pages, bits of skin settle on the perfectly black characters, so small that they can't be seen, but I know they are there. I realise in this final spot in which I sit (after the exploration of three other benches and walls) I can see no bodies closer to me than perhaps half a mile away, sat at the various cafeterias bordering the spine of the river. I feel completely alone but above this I feel in control, at this singular moment this is my town, just me, right now only I exist alongside the hustling and bustling OAPs that litter the ancient paths pitted between the river and the cliff edges. Anything behind me is nothing, only forward is the truth and I decide what is forward. I'm holding my own little snow-dome of a town, above my head, into the light.
tap tap tap at 12:42
Tuesday, June 15
Look,
Like snow.
tap tap tap at 19:55
Monday, June 14
No no no.
tap tap tap at 12:20
Play by the rules? No.
tap tap tap at 09:48
Sunday, June 13
tap tap tap at 12:53
Saturday, June 12
I want each tooth to explode.
I imagine the grating of the human ivories.
tap tap tap at 22:04
I don't know where do begin when there clearly is no beginning. Something has dissolved, into a liquid that seeps ever faster through my fingers. I look and feel like a fish, in thick tar. Each day cemented between a very distant routine, I don't sleep when I expect to sleep, and I only dream, the dreams take more energy than any activity. Gillian says nothing exists. I dream about Oliver every night since we parted, it has been but 4 days, each dream from the first loses it's spectacular closeness, and slowly I witness the pushing of me further into the walls of his house. It seems like an end of what never was there, when you take away all the routine and the obligatory moments there is but a tunnel of darkness to find yourself in. I've stopped thinking ahead, or backwards or sideways, as if I've never existed until now and those times when I used to slip into a controlling chaos of suicidal error was just the habits of an old best friend. I wish people could see my fears written on my forehead like I can.
tap tap tap at 19:28
Friday, June 11
Sometimes you have to listen to the same tune, again and again, until it means nothing or something to you. I love the way the piano remains so regemented, and I feel no obligation to listen because it's so soft on the ears. If you could taste it it would taste so sweet yet leave such a bitter after taste like over-chewed gum.
I hate my town and I hate the people even more.
tap tap tap at 22:17
Bereavement.
tap tap tap at 12:46
Thursday, June 10
My sleep and waking is haunted.
tap tap tap at 10:04
Wednesday, June 9
I am the Pixie at the back of your eyes.
It's all about eyes nowadays.
tap tap tap at 13:57
Tuesday, June 8
The tears poured and bounced back off the pages of my book last night, I tipped them off into a bottle and thought about collecting them. I should think tears are pretty pure, all salty and thick, irreplaceable.
tap tap tap at 13:13
Monday, June 7
Like when you put your hand in to the fire and.. and you pulled it out and it was soaking wet... your tears just boiled inside... and I didn't want to see you after that, so I covered my eyes with these perspiring fingers... I wish you had burnt on the outside, not from the inside out.
tap tap tap at 19:13
:(
tap tap tap at 16:37
Sunday, June 6
No spazz-talk. This is it. The exam in the morning is scaring me to hell and back. Not to worry, after that not much matters.
tap tap tap at 19:08
The Risk
When a daughter tries suicide
and the chimney falls down like a drunk
and the dog chews her tail off
and the kitchen blows up its shiny kettle
and the vacuum cleaner swallows its bag
and the toilet washes itself in tears
and the bathroom scales weigh in the ghost
of the grandmother and the windows,
those sky pieces, ride out like boats
and the grass rolls down the driveway
and the mother lies down on her marriage bed
and eats up her heart like two eggs.
-Anne Sexton
tap tap tap at 09:56
Saturday, June 5
I have a feeling I shouldn't have messed about with the template right now, but I have done, sooo eww.
tap tap tap at 20:33
FUCK those little things.
tap tap tap at 19:40
Well I finally found someone to turn me upside down
And nail my feet up where my head should be
If they had a King of Fools then I could wear that crown
And you can all die laughing because I'll wear it proudly
Well you seem to be shivering dear and the room is awfully warm
In the white and scarlet billows that subside beyond the storm
You have this expression dear no words could take its place
And I wear it like a badge that you put all over my face
(Elvis Costello-oh.)
tap tap tap at 12:04
Thursday, June 3
Last years shame is all gone away, though it still feels sheepishly similar. I'm in a better spirits now, with better faces to prove it. Will I make it to the summer? I can't think why not. I think I've finally got a grip. Tomorrow will tell me if I'm right.
tap tap tap at 15:11
tap tap tap at 13:50
I hope you're flames don't grow
I want to be buried in snow
Rvsn.
tap tap tap at 13:26
Wednesday, June 2
Splishing and splashing.
tap tap tap at 15:04
Should I say nothing at all?
tap tap tap at 10:17
Cut off your arm and give it to me with a bunch of flowers.
tap tap tap at 10:00
Tuesday, June 1
Nothing's changed until someone says it's changed.
tap tap tap at 12:20
Monday, May 31
One does not rouse for just anyone, you know.
tap tap tap at 18:51
-Leaving behind only the echo of her footsteps as she departed she knew it would be that sound that would spring a tear behind her blue eyes. She turned the key for the last time and steadied her footing with her large black umbrella, guiding her fledgling legs to the street. Peering helplessly back at the old building, gripping her small bag tighter she felt grit from the road rush with magnetism to her eyes and through her lungs; she coughed and began to regret her decision.
-The days previous had been but a small speck on the landscape of her grand plan; the boxes arranged like a large twisting python around the room, lying precariously between the exit and suitcases of old clothes; the photos of the dead and the living hurriedly stuck with prit-stick into various sugar papered scrap books littering the tables and chairs and even the tops of filled boxes; the tone of the old phone in the hallway remained ignored whenever it called. She hoped nothing would stop her from making a start, getting away from here and getting on with the matter in hand, if anything were to it would have to be of great threat to the plan; not to her. She was no longer important to herself it seemed.
tap tap tap at 18:08
Sunday, May 30
To let y'all know that I'm not dead, just slightly worried. There really is nothing nothing at all all today, just me in a house (it doesn't matter what house) and with tinny beats I have pig-tails in my hair. Some light reading perhaps? I'm not going to talk any sense anymore and don't try and stop me Misters and Misses.
tap tap tap at 19:35
Breathing can be so tiring. There's a void today between rational thought and any thought at all, so the plans go as follows;
Listen to loud music
Have a bath
Escape, clean and open minded
Doesn't sound too great, especially when everyone is closing the doors on my stereo. I'll close the doors on their stereos, just you wait.
tap tap tap at 10:26
Saturday, May 29
tap tap tap at 18:00
I think far and wide, about who should be shot first. Even the guy in the corner shop is to blame for all the mindlessness.
I have a fear of prose, that's why this is as far as it goes.
tap tap tap at 17:54
-Saxaphone solo-
Relief! Thankgoodness.
-End solo-
tap tap tap at 13:03
Friday, May 28
I've made a rather huge mistake. I feel silly, because I tied a knot in my belly and the consequences are undecided.
Today is Leeds, and Leeds is today. We will buy things to replace the old things, then to The Cockpit.
"All of my blind ambition left me with deaf with perfect vision."
tap tap tap at 10:18
Thursday, May 27
A breath too deep and I've sucked the entire room into my lungs.
tap tap tap at 10:46
Wednesday, May 26
I am the kid with the glint in her eye
The petal on the flower bitten by the wind
I am small like madaline
The thorn in the side of the boy
tap tap tap at 22:10
Tuesday, May 25
Exam on the morn, I perspire with fear.
tap tap tap at 22:34
Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.
Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom
For thine is
Life is
For Thine is the
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
-T.S. Elliot. The Hollow Men V.
tap tap tap at 18:10
Everybody's happy nowadays.
tap tap tap at 16:32
Thursday, May 20
Tin drum, drum drum drum. Drrrrrrrrrum.
I'm flying away to tomorrow.
Work resumes PM Monday.
tap tap tap at 21:50
Wednesday, May 19
Bold. I'm ..
No.
Bite the bullet? You haven't got the balls.
It all started with the sleep walking and the angry dream, fear followed by anger, because they killed her, it held onto me all day, so I didn't write real sentences in the exams or the paper, I haven't a personality, what is here is quaking in the rafters, no, more like above the ceiling below the clouds, it told me what to do, like a third person, pushing and pulling me, a puppeteer, the strings were electric so I became the animation the TV always wanted, inapplicable to real life
22 23 24.
tap tap tap at 21:49
... but a dreaming dolt.
tap tap tap at 10:40
Tuesday, May 18
tap tap tap at 17:19
One down.
I'm going to write some fiction. A story.
tap tap tap at 15:26
Scared... scared... Let go of my feet! Let go! Stop making noise! Shush! ...
Oh so scared.
tap tap tap at 11:16
Monday, May 17
We are odd shoes.
But we fit ever so well.
tap tap tap at 19:41
The scale cascades, on strings of a violin. I feel it in my chest, a glissando to hope and/or betrayal, a fork in the road. A small fork. The lowest note hurts the most, the highest scratches the seams of my heart. The scale cascades, on strings of a violin. I feel it in my chest, a glissando to hope and/or betrayal, a fork in the road. A small fork. The lowest note hurts the most, the highest scratches the seams of my heart. The scale cascades.
tap tap tap at 19:02
"Today could last another million years, today could be the end of me. It's 11.59 and I want to stay alive."
tap tap tap at 09:14
Sunday, May 16
tap tap tap at 16:46
"HuHuh! I was in the right!"
"Yes, absolutely in the right!"
"I certainly was in the right!"
"You was definitely in the right. That geezer was cruising for a bruising!"
"Yeah!"
"Why does anyone do anything?"
"I don't know, I was really drunk at the time!"
"I was just telling him, he couldn't get into number 2. He was asking why he wasn't coming up on freely, after I was yelling and screaming and telling him why he wasn't coming up on freely. It came as a heavy blow, but we sorted the matter out"
tap tap tap at 13:08
Eyes stuck together with mucus, I can't see for looking. The sun is out like the august sun, it isn't august and I havn't a clue what it is. My head is playing cats cradle with my heart.
Like me?
tap tap tap at 09:35
Friday, May 14
"Send me the pillow ...
The one that you dream on ...
Send me the pillow ...
The one that you dream on ...
And I'll send you mine"
In a letter from an old friend: "I have spent a few days in the local town, hiding behind Tennants Bitter to keep the locals at bay, and appearing to obtain the status of endangered species."
tap tap tap at 16:45
Thursday, May 13
"To the Sirens first shalt thou come, who beguile all men whosoever comes to them. Whoso in ignorance draws near to them and hears the Sirens' voice, he nevermore returns, that his wife and little children may stand at his side rejoicing, but the Sirens beguile him with their clear-toned song, as they sit in a meadow, and about them is a great heap of bones of mouldering men, and round the bones the skin is shrivelling."
tap tap tap at 20:46
I want to fall in love again. I wore my blue tie today, materialistic, but pleased, I held my head high. Everything's coming to a stand still, whilst blowing up like mines at my feet. Dancers shouldn't paint. I miss people, they've all vanished.
Some girls are bigger than others.
tap tap tap at 14:06
Tuesday, May 11
I fucked up. No, no way. Yes. So all you get is this. The rest died in a horrific accident and I can't retrieve it.
tap tap tap at 20:53
Now I have all these little blue sweeties I can't seem to concentrate.
tap tap tap at 20:30
It's only a game-show, game-show, game-show...
tap tap tap at 18:13
Sunday, May 9
< sarcasm > Is it night time already? < /sarcasm >
Bedtime kisses for my love(s).
tap tap tap at 22:21
I've spent £52.90 already this morning... hold me back... hold me back! Honestly kids, you'll love the line up.
tap tap tap at 10:54
Saturday, May 8
My friend has my favourite teeth, they bend forward when he speaks.
tap tap tap at 22:52
Over acres of deep maroon sky are the thuds and kapows of fireworks; I can't see them at all, but they sound like they should be green and red. I'm reminded of when we crossed over Paris in the airplane last summer, the firey fingers of the fireworks nearly tickling the belly of the plane, and like a hopeless romantic (with Wilde on my side) I couldn't help but look out of the window and hope that a rocket would jump up and smile at me, and I'd smile back showing two lines of dirty grey teeth.
That dull murmer of Leonard Cohen as usual, "so long Marie-Ann".
I want someone to break me... I want to crack open and reveal a nasty kinder-egg type centre, all childproof and incomplete. It's all talk, no action.
tap tap tap at 22:21
He can hide in the halo
He can run into the terror
He can fly in to the jello
"I can do what I want!
I can die when I wish!"
He can fit in to the pocket
He can set a bomb in a coffin
He can live down in the sea
"I can fly when I want!
I can die when I wish to
Get my foot prints back to see the place
Where I'm standing still
Where I hate, its so sad dying world
So im fine in here!"
He can jump in to the pillow
He can break in to the PD
He can gulp the DU
"I can play when I want!
I can die when I wish!"
So he cries to the white moon
To the inside to see the cell-scape...
Now hes floating in blood
tap tap tap at 14:30
Friday, May 7
Make up. Make believe.
Make a personality,
Stick it to your face,
A mask or antimasque.
Your mannequin takes your hand
And you walk out into the sunset.
You look back but your eyes are glass,
The reflection is...
tap tap tap at 10:51
I do love to get over-excited. And I am; all strobed inside and all pale on the outside. Feel my pulse in my finger nails?
tap tap tap at 10:42
Every day should be wiped over with a damp cloth which has been soaked in a vinegar solution for approx. 2 minutes. With everything blank to start again we all re-make friends and learn the old things like they were the new. Hello, I'm Frankie, this is my face so remember my name, if you like you can take a photo and write my name underneath, just incase you forget. Who are you? Who are you?
tap tap tap at 10:40
Thursday, May 6
Another good day, maybe. Fuck.
tap tap tap at 20:55
Wednesday, May 5
Today has gone by as every good day should. With treats and results a-plenty, and smiles; my face wont hold back the cheeky smile that I've grown to love in private. There was toast for lunch... infact lets talk chronologically...
1. Wake up after 12 hours sleep, knock knock knock, brekfast in bed.
2. Form; "Who lost their virginity to who?!"
3. English; Tom and I, and some less necessary people. Grade A coursework.
4. Art; it's over, goodbye room, goodbye paint. Tears tears, oh, I'm over it, lets go.
5. Breaktime; I convince Anna and Giz that we could write the school newspaper next year, so we see some teachers and off we go.
6. Media; Grade A coursework.
7. Walk-home; Giz and I, brilliant as always.
8. Toast with Oliver, and fun.
9. Saxaphone lesson, sucess, I'm 'The Jazz'.
10. Here I am, we're gonna have a ball. Smiling.
tap tap tap at 19:17
"Now an old man and with the prospect of death looming, Victor loses all faith in religion and convinces himself that by building a house that cuts him away from society he can take on the superior role of God himself and avoid the concept of Death altogether. However, his disillusionment with his past life acts as a catalyst for his madness inside, where a giant cat and a giant dog fight for his conscience and whatever other life there is left in his naked and passive body. The inevitabilities of Time and Death cannot be avoided and Victor dies a roaming, misguided non-entity without the recognition he would have received through passing away in his past real life."
'The Murder Of Rosa Luxemburg' appear to have been erased from the earth, no website, pictures, music, erasure takes us all.
tap tap tap at 14:10
Woke up this morning
with love in mind
It was raining outside
but my love still shined
Kept me warm
till my plane touched the sky
And I've seen love
make a fool of a man
He tried to make a loser win.
But I've got nothing to lose
I can't get back again.
Man made rules
been holdin' back my love
Can't hold it back no more.
Churches long preach sex is wrong
Jesus where is nature gone?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here?
Woke up this morning
with love in mind
It was raining outside
but my love still shined
Kept me warm
till my plane touched the sky
Neil Young.
tap tap tap at 14:03
There's nothing to say. Keep up the battle until every braincell is dead?I'm the best media student the world has ever witnessed. There's just nothing to say.
tap tap tap at 13:46
Monday, May 3
I CAN FEEL IT. I'm gaining my words, but losing my drawing fingers, just in time. Index finger, thumb, you know what to do, so do it well and make me pass. What happened to my limbs, all they do is itch and sweat, no thinking.
"Every junkie's like the setting sun."
tap tap tap at 21:16
What a blurry moon indeed, far too blurry for such a cool, clear night. I think the moon is feeling the weight of it's responsibility, if my voice would cross the distance I'd tell it not to worry, and that I wouldn't mind if it had a rest tonight. Would anyone mind if I had a rest tonight? Just the pillow and I in sweet mutual sleep.
Oh! Tomorrow!
We'll pretend to care, and swap cd's over the tables.
tap tap tap at 21:07
What's this heat?
tap tap tap at 16:43
These people aren't real. We slide past each other like strangers, and step on each others toes whenever the impulse takes us. Even when fingers hold another's fingers they're too stiff to feel a heart beat. Three millimeters of air between us, or maybe even four.
tap tap tap at 13:24
Saturday, May 1
Yes, more of a mess, and ugly green... shit shit shit. Art is the order of the (next few) day(s), so design and accuracy is neglected unless it can be touched. Bye bye comrades.
Post script... Archives don't work, I have no idea. I'm reluctant to care.
tap tap tap at 21:29
Sunset arrives and tells me to go and sleep, my body has had enough of carrying my head about and desires a little rest before the unforgiving darkness of night. So I reply "Ok" and think long and hard about my next move, the thing is I don't know where to turn, suddenly I've lost balance and everything has shifted a space to the left. I need a torch and a helper to take some photographs, but I'm the camera and I am the light...
Oh so many dilemmas.
tap tap tap at 20:57
The horror, the horror of losing your personality to dependency.
No pleasure, no pastimes, a different beat of the heart that beats the rhythm 'can't-be-shared'. I'm about 5 foot 4 in reality and so much less without a personality. Just to get it back, it only sneaks in and out nowadays; it never stays behind because it doesn't like me. I broke down a week last Friday, the days just passed have been hell; the jar lid was getting tighter. I'll start over? Remember the rules I kept that made me who I was, no need to please anyone, or part anyone. This is a lonely chair, just for one, always, this is a lonely head, just for one, always. "The."
tap tap tap at 16:06
I've caught the queen, I have.
tap tap tap at 15:58
It's simply a mess, but it's only a website, just a dress for my words, a mask for my thoughts.
tap tap tap at 14:39
Sun sun, oh what fun.
tap tap tap at 14:27
Friday, April 30
It's all bleak from here...
tap tap tap at 18:50
Thursday, April 29
Wednesday was awful, today was awful. You're awful. Make me a daisy chain?
tap tap tap at 18:48
Tuesday, April 27
"Can't you see? Can't you see?
Without rhyme, she cannot be!"
tap tap tap at 20:56
Sunday, April 25
Pity pity pity. Kiss kiss kiss. Scratchy nails, tickle under eyes, drip drip drip.
tap tap tap at 10:24
Saturday, April 24
I'm bits of bones, scattered in this room. I type because there's noone here, there or beside me. I want to straighten things out, I can't straighten things out, I've not the strength or the heart. There's so much hate. I can't even straighten my back.
tap tap tap at 18:18
I imagine noone reads this, I should like to know if anyone does? Replies on a self-addressed envelope?
tap tap tap at 16:34
Make everything all right again?
Make everything all right again?
Make everything all right again?
Make everything all right again?
tap tap tap at 16:25
Lips stuck together
I glued them up
So the truth wouldn't spill
But it ripped through my throat
And everywhere's cut
And nothing is real
And for once I can fly
Lyrical aren't I?
tap tap tap at 15:24
Tuesday, April 20
Just today. Everybody gets locked up sometimes, some people don't escape. I deserve those pretty words that people wrote for me when they loved me, I don't deserve the knives they throw at me now.
They aren't out to get me, are they?
There was a little girl in a town not far from here, it was shaded by a great Kingdom filled with gold. The little girl slept each day and each night on a bed of roses and poses, and when the rain poured and the sun shone, the roses and poses would grow. After many a year on her living floral bed the little girl felt more comfortable as the roses and poses grew to fit her shape. One unfortunate summer a wicked witch trespassed past the bed of the girl, and because the girl was beautiful and delicate, unlike the warty witch she performed a curse that would bound the girl in her floral bed forever. As darkness fell and the girl opened her delicate and lashy eyes, she saw hands reaching to embrace her, though they were not hands; they were the twisted and gnarled branches of her roses and poses. Fighting as best she could though her bones were weak, she broke few a flower and fewer a branch. Unable to hold back the might of the posessed plants she found herself bound to her bed, and as she slept the creeping vines travelled through her ears and into her brain. She never woke with her own mind intact again. They say, that inside her heart is held a single red rose, it ever-blooms and never grows.
Love me x
tap tap tap at 21:50
Monday, April 19
Yesterday, I thought I'd be honest forever, because hiding is tiresome. But honest is boring.
tap tap tap at 13:26
I'm yellow, drinking warm water, it's hot between my ears.
If I bite the skin by the sides of my nails will I be more like him, would it bring together that as yet undiscovered eternal bond? If I write postcards to myself, would the surprise be great enough to send myself more? Is violence natural when the weapon of choice is a branch from a tree? I've always waited in the waiting room. Hello today. I'm better (than)...
tap tap tap at 13:17
Sunday, April 18
Robert Smith... god of words.
Pillbox Tales
Electric line
Racing time
Fire down the wall
Spinning around
The killing ground
It makes you look so small
Henna years
The stinging tears
Flesh on the railway track
The screaming queen
On the TV screen
Is never coming back
Don't suffer no more
Just step inside and listen
Listen to my pillbox tales
Your special days
Your winning ways
You're living out the past
You're lying lies
And tying ties
And running much too fast
But you feel so sick
If you run too quick
And wishing every day
Wishing you were all alone
Wishing you were years away
Don't suffer no more
Just step inside and listen
Listen to my pillbox tales
tap tap tap at 01:46
MY PICTURE.
YOU STEAL IT:
I BREAK YOUR LEGS.
tap tap tap at 01:39
What a stupid time. This is what happens when I'm left alone, to be boring. The day failed, I failed. I'm lazy, or retarded. Bang bang bang... I'm so tired and messed up. I think I might fall into the keyboard head first and never wake up, because the space bar may get lodged in my eye, horrific.
My existence is forgotten now, everyone who matters is in a lull, drifting away from me. Even when the day wakes again, some of them wont be there, they'll be remembering. This is drunken exhaustion, no alcohol, just drained. Sucked away by 3 and a half hours of watching shit on TV, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
I've got that silly 'love' thing going on. Thinking about if he goes, or if he wasn't mine. Stupid stupid stupid. I like the eyes best, and the smile, and giggles, I only see the giggles, noone else does/will. But they will.
If colours could be used to demonstrate
Last week, and forever, I was getting pissed off with entrapment in this whole thing. No way out, AT ALL. I can't take action. It would devastate, and I'm no such a person to bring such emotions to my family. I'm not talking THE ultimate solution... I just wanted to run away. "It wont be so bad." It would. Or, would it? But I'm a puppet. All strung up, to the sides of a box.
Bad bad answers.
tap tap tap at 01:24
Saturday, April 17
There is a smiling spot on my leg. So sore you'd think it was alive and scratching the underside of my skin, with sharp talons, to get out of it's pink fleshy prison. I wont have anything living in my leg, so a nip and a squeeze later- out oozes the greenest, milkyest puss I ever did see. Hahahahahaha. It hurts, definately no laughing matter.
Today is good. I have the heating on, high as a kite, and I'm strolling about in few garments, including some boxer shorts.
tap tap tap at 17:30
tap tap tap at 13:25
"My insides and me
We do not agree
My flesh stretched taut against my bones
It's alright to cry
It's alright to cry
It's alright, but only alone"
tap tap tap at 13:21
Friday, April 16
When we're stitched together, everything is ok.
tap tap tap at 13:29
Thursday, April 15
Maybe if I jump about or scream and shout, they'll notice me. No? Ok, I'll just sit here and listen to plinky pianos.
Meal with Oliver's family tonight. Sigh.
tap tap tap at 18:02
tap tap tap at 13:41
Blood is the word of the week.
Sunday, dreampt I was my own blood, hard to understand so early in the morning. I was my own blood in my own skin, two places at once? Tuesday, blood test. I tried with all my might to feel the blood being sucked out of my veins by the grey haired nurse. I couldn't feel it at all, only the push of the metal into spongey flesh. Now I am tarnished with a grey and green patch on the underside of my elbow, and a purple lump to the side. Today, I feel the blood in my body. I feel it rushing to reach the necessary places, waves crashing against my ribs.
tap tap tap at 13:28
Wednesday, April 14
tap tap tap at 15:10
My pills are great, when I take them on time, some people have said kids can get adddicted to pills, or they cause self harm and shit but I have every faith in my docter, he has an earing, you have to trust them when you have noone else to trust, these authority figues, you know, they like me, the short answers, the spontaneous quibbles and qualms, maybe that's what set the ball rolling, this relentless exasperation, this is cool, not my fault though, just the pills, like last year, intense, over blown isn't it?
Scary reading.
"Behavioral:
Drowsiness, fatigue, activation of latent schizophrenia, disorientation, confusional states, hallucinations, delusions, hypomanic reactions, disturbed concentration, nightmares, insomnia, restlessness, agitation, excitement, jitteriness, anxiety, giddiness. "
Hard to differ between what they aid and what they oblitorate.
tap tap tap at 15:08
I am rubbish. There's nothing to keep me here, or keep me away. It's cold/sweaty, I have no visitors, no packages and they sky hasn't moved for 4 hours. I can't find what I'm looking for, I want to be held, I want blood red, I'm limp. Pull me push me, fall over me, fall for me, fall like you missed me. It's half a day wasted, it's half a day gained and lost, it's dark inside but light on the brick walls. Tree's wave to me, the birds are all dead, I'm waxy, see-through skin, blue blue blue like violets, or are they violet or pink. Look look look look. 
tap tap tap at 14:47
Tuesday, April 13
tap tap tap at 11:08
Friday, April 9
Hello and Goodbye,
I wont use the internet for anything other than essential work until next friday. Sounds like a steep hope doesn't it? But I'm really going to give it a go. I worry so much about my mental state, and this bastard isn't helping, so that's it. I don't want to fail my exams, or get any lower in my mood. Few people read this, so I know this seems silly 'stating my absence' but this way I will make an effort to do it, because this website, meager as it is, is pretty accurate to my life. I wish myself good luck.
Yesterday and the day previous were a complete waste of time, these days to come must be filled sufficiently with work and happiness. Crazy, aye. I made a late trip to the docters yesterday with my dad, we are getting on well at the moment, this makes me so happy, little conversations here and there and laughing together like we should have done long ago. In the waiting room for half an hour, then the docter seemed to hurry me in and out, upped my dose of pills and instructed me to get a blood test "You're looking a bit pale." I hope they find something, I feel like a book that can't be read.
I'm completely rubbish and writing lately, sorry. It angers me greatly, but I can't seem to shift it. It's all too matter-of-fact... fuck. I'm getting my first easter egg since I was 10 today. Smiles all round. And the sun is out. This is going to be a beautiful day. The party of the century tonight, I'll take pictures and put them up. And finally I'm going to buy those things I desire from Amazon. I cry so much lately, often because I'm happy. X x
tap tap tap at 11:29
Thursday, April 8
Diamonds and lace and delicate fingers harbouring the most beautiful lines and curves.
We grow up, get side tracked
tap tap tap at 13:33
I wish I was a boy who couldn't sing, I'd make a career out of it and consume lots of expensive drugs. As the state of my career decends my blood would become more expensive than my 'talent' however I'd be so dead inside that it wouldn't matter.
+Listening to Primal Scream.
tap tap tap at 10:33
Wednesday, April 7
Tonight tonight. I coughed my little self silly because I toked too hard. We went to a disused swimming pool, I could hear the echoes of the summer. In our small market town the shop windows glowed like big television screens, some behind bars, holding back the mannequins and fake flowers. The meat in the butchers shop, sweated in the light, glistened prettily and less savage than usual. Our old town will always be our home.
Peter in both pictures, accident I assure you, though he seems to pose well. I like Peter and Gillian. Gillian came back to mine and we danced about, jingled bells and looked at some art. I dunno, it seems good...
tap tap tap at 22:41
Twist - Goldfrapp
Before you go and
Leave this town
I want to see you one more time
Put your dirty angel face
Between my legs
And knicker lace
Fight me, try me
Kiss me like you like me
Twist it round again and again
I want to run away with you
Your caravan and rabbit stew
Don't buy me candyfloss or bears
Swarfega fingers, I want you there
tap tap tap at 11:02
Tuesday, April 6
Myself in new shiney glasses.
tap tap tap at 18:43
Monday, April 5
I don't like Nirvana at all. So far. Ever.
tap tap tap at 20:13
Today was brought to me in brilliant technicolour. I've made a head out of clay and a light bulb. I watched the sunset in it's blanketty rainbow and talked to Tom. Need anything else occur?
tap tap tap at 19:59
Sunday, April 4
I haven't any money. Please send money or bottle tops to;
Frankie
The Castle
Pylonia
UK
I promise I'll spend it wisely. I want books, and films, and paint brushes and music. Please. I'm such a good girl, can't I have a little pleasure in material things?
tap tap tap at 11:27
If I liked you more
I'd wake before the birds
I'd whisper down the phone
And we'd meet before the sun rose
tap tap tap at 10:45
Saturday, April 3
Sickly.
Good-ish day, even with clouds and rain. A cloud for every smile.
tap tap tap at 23:02
"Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes." OW.
tap tap tap at 20:39
The friend with no strings. Thanks for a super evening.
tap tap tap at 16:19
Thursday, April 1
The kids in class were digging up the past. Like the time in the kitchen with the bloody knife, and the time with the bridge and the squealing and shrieking and the grabbing, and the time with the cars and the running. Thanks a fucking lot.
tap tap tap at 19:23
Sob sob, argument...
He say "I dont love you any less, but I dont seem to make you smile as much as I used to. You seem depressed constantly and its aggrivating and upsetting that i am unable to change it."
I say "come over and we'll pretend that this hasn't happened, and we'll do media happy happy"
He say "ok, see you soon, love you"
Life is great and life is mine.
Some film said that "those most afraid of dying are those most afraid of living" well that's balls.
tap tap tap at 19:20
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
BANGBANGBANG
FUCK YOU
I SAID IT
BUT
tap tap tap at 18:23
School, I noticed it happened today, probably because I stayed until the final bell, and also caught the first one too. Came home feeling like the weight of the world wasn't on my shoulders, but in my gut instead. Sleep should have/would have/could have brought me down, I resisted and watched KIDS, it's been floating about the dvd player since my birthday. It's shocking, everyone should watch it. In respect of the film...
Xiu Xiu - HIVES
put that gun to my temple
put that gun to my heart
make me walk off the plank chi cha
all always in to the dark
A I D S H I V
i cannot wait to die
can't you tell
can't you tell
can't you tell
never finish my degree cha chi
never play with the Pogues
throw my head out the window and
cement my feet into the dark
Cheerio
tap tap tap at 17:42
Wednesday, March 31
Back in to the house around mid day in a shroud of tears and tremmors. The walk home was creepy, like 'The Virgin Suicides' intro. Sleeping was too real, I couldn't decided if I was dreaming or just waiting for the sleep to kick in.
I don't want to let you in any futhur, so lets just say... the sun was out, today was nice and I'm going to go off and eat a little food now.
tap tap tap at 19:35
Tuesday, March 30
The day rose when I was still between the
sheets, soon after, I took dizzy steps (6.10 am) to
the computer but collapsed halfway there and had to
creep heavily back to the bed, my chin scraping the floor.
The second awakening proved exciting and far more perfect
than the last. A doorbell woke me (8.24 am) and
I yawned as the sun shone through the blind,
like you see in the movies. Summer sends all
the sores away. No straps help me to the bed.
Like lego the houses are rigid, and sad windows
reflect a duller version of what they look upon.
From my window; the sun fades like a good dream,
staining but a small patch on a small hill.
The trees in the breeze tickle the sky, it
childishly rolls on in a haze of pinks, blues
and yellows. It is so very dark in here.
tap tap tap at 19:11
Sunday, March 28
It's turning to hate. Yes. So, it's going to have to end. And it will tear me in two. But it has to.
I feel dropped and shattered. You suck.
You don't even read this.
I'm surpressing the tears because I have to eat my dinner with others. Yes.
tap tap tap at 20:23
"Beautiful kids in beautiful trouble." I want MORE. Fucked up, senseless fun, morals out the window, normality in the ejector seat, running around in circles, holding hands, loveless kisses, flaying limbs, guzzled drinks and drugs, bright relentless eyes, then the finality of brain-dead sleep. Where are you when I need you?
tap tap tap at 20:08
Hesitant is the word of the day. Everyone quit the hesitance, the lethargy, the shyness, let's get extreme and make some changes. I've seen what makes people happy, it's big and bold, it's not closed eyes, or small steps. Mass change is required, mass creativity. Extreme is the new black, so get it while it's hot. Let the dreams cascade from your grey matter and the hope from your heart, hold on tight kids. If you vomit in the process you know it's working, if you wipe tears from your garments and feel blood in your palm, you are halfway there, when your eyes grow dry and you spit blood, you know you've done it. But, if you don't think you can make it to the other side, have no fear, no one will catch you, you certainly can't catch yourself, air will obey you, and your senses will collapse, besides it was going to happen eventually no matter what. So what are you worried about? Get going, grab a hand of extremities, and play them like cards, you are the dealer, it's your game. This isn't no preaching, it's teaching. But I am still god. This is how I will make my millions.
tap tap tap at 19:49
You never wash up after yourself - Radiohead
I must get out once in a while
Everything's starting to die
The dust settles, the worms dig
The spiders crawl over the bed
I must get out once in a while
I eat all day and now I'm fat
Yesterday's meal is hugging the plates
You never wash up after yourself
tap tap tap at 11:21
Friday, March 26
These photographs symbolise nothing.
They are flat, they are dark, they are light and they are small.
They don't mean a thing.
tap tap tap at 20:30
Thursday, March 25
Broken child, writing in the corner
Why wont you write for me
Your words spit out with blood
And you tears dry on the paper
But child, like any normal child
Your smile is like a jewel
It takes me like a gust of wind
And reassures me that hope isn't dead
But child, you scribble words
So nonsensical and dark that
I don't think your smile would smile at all
If it saw them in your hands
You crumpled flower, shaking like that
In a breeze far from here
They wont come again
For your paper and ink
Be sure I will hold your broken hand
tap tap tap at 20:17
I skipped home, I skipped home
And the sun poured upon my head
It made me twitch in a silly sort of manner
Children on the other side,
Of the road laughed at me
The clouds gathered like sheep
And the sun was no more
I rolled around like a puppy dog
And I giggled and I wept
All at once, when the rain poured.
tap tap tap at 19:34
Wednesday, March 24
tap tap tap at 19:02
MSP 'New Art Riot'
Vintage aromas and vintage ideals
Old men greying to a dying country's needs
Waiting for a knighthood to while away the hours
Listen and learn now it's time to kill your betters
Museums are dead take a new art stance
Paint mass suicide on the aspiration diktat
Sell out the past and learn to obey
You spit out and douse a molotov cocktail
tap tap tap at 18:59
I don't have fun.
Maybe things are getting better, I'm getting better at crying. I was expecting sleep to shut everything out, but the nightmares kicked in like bullies, and the heat pushed me furthur into my bed, when you can't move you can't complain. Where did I put my friends?
My new favourite band. >> ART BRUT <<
Post Script. Shamefully they have a 2 page spread in NME. Bastards.
tap tap tap at 18:10
Sunday, March 21
"One day when I was drawing a young girl, I suddenly noticed that the only thing that was alive was her gaze. The rest of her head meant no more to me than the skull of a dead man. One does want to sculpt a living person, but what makes him alive is without doubt his gaze... Everything else is only the framework for the gaze. "
- Giacometti
tap tap tap at 19:23
You may have noticed a 'Ian Curtis' theme going on here, this however is subject to change as soon as I have my own photos that deserve exhibitioning.
"Born from some mother's womb
Just like any other room
Made a promise for a new life
Made a victim out of your life
When your time's on the door
And you trip on the floor
And you feel you can touch
All the noise is too much
And the seeds that are sown
Are no longer your own
Just a minor operation
To force the final ultimatum
A thousand words are spoken loud
Reach that gun to fool the crowds
When you walk down the street and the
sound that's so sweet
And you wish you could hide
Maybe go for a ride
To some picture arcade
Where the future's not made
A nightmare situation
Infiltrate imagination
Smacks of past holy wars
Fight a war with broken laws
The leaders of men
Born out of your frustration
The leaders of men
Just a strange infatuation
The leaders of men
Made a promise for a new life
No saviour for our sakes
To crush the atrocities of hate
Self-induced manipulation
To crush all thoughts
of mass-salvation"
Good day.
tap tap tap at 12:07
Friends wear muzzles and Mother wears distraction.
tap tap tap at 10:53
Saturday, March 20
A little shuffle and surgery never hurt anyone.
tap tap tap at 22:31
Should very much like to tell everything right now. Everything. I mean everything. But... no. Better not. Not now.
No, this really isn't fair. I've become so docile when it comes to the contruction of words to create something beautiful. Maybe I could never do it. I'm just common. Can't keep happiness up, and I'm bored of depression. Did I used to be how I imagine I was? Have I changed? Will I get better? Questions are idle.
tap tap tap at 21:05
I am so numbed. Waltzing about the house, denying the hangover, sing sing sing.
tap tap tap at 14:27
Thursday, March 18
Sorry, no posts. No time.
Staying up late, over the past few nights... 3.30am is peaceful but it hates me.
Shall party the weekend away with copious amounts of drugs and friends.
Three cheers!
tap tap tap at 23:48
Sunday, March 14
The house is a framework of hostility
Because every fragment of you seems gone
There's no torso stretched to greet me
The crumpled sheets say you've been
And this thing is called 'alone'
Mirrors don't draw you in their sheer faces
Finger prints not tips decorate my skin
Sniffing out your colours between spaces
You're spit crawls back from the plughole
Whispering 'this is called alone'
tap tap tap at 19:39
Found found found.
tap tap tap at 09:34
Saturday, March 13
Shut up and swing your hips.
Going down hill. Really bad.
Can't put life into me, or anything.
I know it's bad when I hit and scratch, and hate. I want to be held, and crushed, so tight, so hard, that the last breath is a squeal, that I am limp and blood comes out of my nose. I want to loose the taste, and the scent and the sight of my weaknesses. I want rainbows and confectionary jewelry. 4 + 4 = one two three.
Drama versus Dramamine.
tap tap tap at 18:47
tap tap tap at 18:30
Friday, March 12
tap tap tap at 18:54
PARTY. Yes.
PARTY? No.
Sleep?
PARTY!
NO!
Sleep.
Paaaarrt... SLEEP!
tap tap tap at 18:33
Thursday, March 11
tap tap tap at 19:22
So, they tell me they're coming for me. Better start acting cool.
tap tap tap at 18:23
Is it wrong to want to live on your own ?
No, it's not wrong-but I must know
How can someone so young
Sing words so sad?
Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow
Boot the grime of this world in in the crotch, dear
And don't go home tonight
Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you
Is it wrong not to always be glad
No, it's not wrong-but I must add
How can someone so young
Sing words so sad?
Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow
Boot the grime of this world in the crotch,dear
And don't go home tonight
Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you
Take my hand and off we stride
You're a girl and I'm a boy
Take my hand and off we stride
I'm a girl and you're a boy
Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow
Throw your homework on to the fire
Come out and find the one that you love
Come out and find the one that you love
tap tap tap at 17:54
Wednesday, March 10
Alex
Riding to the tune of his guitar
People will pay for his sweat
They'll be as close as they can get
They'll catch his spit in a dish
Sell it on e-bay
He'll walk over fainted little girls
He'll stick needles where he shouldn't
And pills will call him daddy
"Love me for what I am"
Wearing his face round her neck
I'm front row
He's writing for us
tap tap tap at 20:26
A shroud of navy blue has blanketed the hills, my house, and the street lamps don't even care. It's lucky, because otherwise, that big blue sun would press into my eyes, insisting that I look for shade. I dropped my grand piano on my foot.
tap tap tap at 20:15
CHILD.
tap tap tap at 19:29
Tuesday, March 9
The sharpness of the edges looking
And the warmth in the bulb
Keeps me sailing in my little bed
I'm not sure anymore.
I'm not sure
Where this can go.
Hopeless, really. No idea. Noone.
Noone. There's too much.
Like a milkshake, with all the powder left at the bottom.
Proud. But should I be? I mean, they wont have me back. Or have me at all.
Like a little ornament. Trappings.
I like I like I like I like.
"Have I upset you."
No.
You upset me, because I can't stay this way. Because it's all about you. But, if not, then my replacement will tear me in half. I don't know what will work. Some pens never work.
Hunky fucking dory.
Toni makes me write like this, but we shouldn't give him credit, he failed maths. Duhh.
I'm not meant to be.
AN APOLOGIE? Do my eyes decieve me? It wasn't even prompted!
I say I say
It cuts me up.
I have to start making sense. This is how I'm seeing things.
Onion. Duvet. Spark those tears. REACH. REACH.
Brekfast me.
That glass shows me no reflection. It's too light.
Burning boxes.
Art? Maybe...
Only answers have the smarties.
tap tap tap at 22:54
Hah. Ha ha. Here it is. HERE. Right here. No, not there... HERE. Yes, look, here... are you looking? Look at me. Look. JUST LOOK. HERE. No, down a little, left a little. Right. Can you see? Just here. No, up, up. Yeah? Got it? ok.
tap tap tap at 22:43
The decline began on thursday evening, and I don't expect it to get much better during the forthcoming days. My body has rudely mophed into 'ill' mode, so all attempts to move/work are already a lost battle. Other stuff. er... Rage has been injected amongst my friends, everything is getting tense... rah rah... destitute... I'm not happy, it's all transfer tatoos... hmmm... *collapes*... beep.
tap tap tap at 20:26
Sunday, March 7
Girl Anachronism
you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls
you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's
not
the
way
i'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me
tap tap tap at 10:02
Saturday, March 6
Happy now. What's up with that? I'm so moody. I knew I would be, I was just waiting. Really happy. I rang Oliver, we joked and giggled and I remembered why we go so well together. Doubt can be frustrating. I know this wont last long, I can see the faded edges already, if I think again, re-evaluate, it all comes flooding back, the stress, the million dollar question(s), the little ideas that race around like dragon flies, and ofcourse that old cloud; the doubt. But for now, children, we must keep the smiles perfectly curved and keep that goddamn dream alive... right?
tap tap tap at 21:45
There are two types of music that I can only tolerate, those inbetween have to be very lucky.
Music to dance to. & Music to sob to.
tap tap tap at 21:33
I see the problem. I'm not doing anything. I should do things.
tap tap tap at 15:47
Man, I'm shamelessy crying again. This isn't supossed to happen.
tap tap tap at 15:28
I need a job.
We're gonna go on adventures, like we used to.
I'll paste the photos to the wall.
I'll get wrecked and pull myself out of bed.
So fucked that I'll sing backwards.
You'll see.
Once I get the job.
More gigs.
Friends, come back to me?
We used to hold metaphorical hands.
tap tap tap at 15:26
Friday, March 5
"I picked you out of a crowd to talk to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said thanks can I follow you?
So it's up the stairs and out of view
No prying eyes I poured some wine
I asked your name you asked the time
Well it's two o'clock
Yeah the club is closed we're up the block
Your hands on me
Pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth
Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been here before
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said he'd meet us here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
He said it feels good I said I'll give it a try
Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning
Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers
They just play tragic
Now the phone's ringing
And the band's leaving
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep singing
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
'Cause I do I do I do
This didn't hurt me
Didn't hurt me
Oh this hurt me"
tap tap tap at 22:38
I'm surrounded by boring people, get me outta here. How novel.
tap tap tap at 22:33
Some fuckers are never happy.
tap tap tap at 22:26
I must have been born in a breath, in a second, in a flash of light, something brief atleast, because everything I do is brief. No messing around here, oh no, just instant. I AM INSTANT, YOU ARE DUMB. I can't get more than 10 words out at a time, I can't write more that 1,500 words fluently, I fall down and get up right away, I say before I think properly, and I crumble in a tear.
Everyone is having fun tonight, I'm here, thinking about how much fun they're having. Still aching, and my brain has only just decided to jump into gear. Nothing seems to wake me from melacholy anymore. It's terrifying, my constancy to wake, walk then sleep, each day, like it never occured. Brief, yeh.
I called and wanted to speak to Alex, but he's busy with the rest of the band, sadly I can't be a part of it no matter how hard I/they try, I can't play rock instruments, and my song writing skills just aren't wanted, understandably. Selfish. Yes. I want more time with friends, I love them so much, I want more time for all the thoughts that spin off into the sky, and more time to read literature, and more time to understand music, and more time to concentrate. But non of that is going to happen when Morpheus takes my hand so often, begging me to dream with my eyes closed. Dreaming with my eyes open is a relief.
I started reading 'On the Road' by Kerouak this week, seems perfect so far. The sort of book that will push me down.
tap tap tap at 22:16
This glue is a mess
It's full of "yes" and "maybe"
It wont keep things together
It's white but lacking purity
And it drips from his nose
Solid before it touches the soil
It drips cautiously
This paper is dry now
Can you write down a response?
Fold it over and over
Over, well it's gone now
You folded too far
Pick a number
Chose a colour
Ha! you folded too far
Is your fate under the dog ear?
Stick it back down
Tell me what to do next
And how I'm supposed to fold
Wipe the folds
Over his nose
tap tap tap at 22:05
Via Tom
tap tap tap at 09:51
Thursday, March 4
New Liars album look pretty fab. Someone buy me it.
tap tap tap at 22:03
tap tap tap at 21:45
"I hope its not my fault" ... isn't that the most selfish thing you ever heard, disguised as something selfless?
tap tap tap at 21:34
"I used to think love was the answer."
"All you need is love."
"Love is a verb, a doing word."
tap tap tap at 21:32
"How are you?"
"What have you been up to?"
"What are you doing now?" -Those are the keys to my heart.
I really don't know anymore. If I died people would cry because I had died, not because I would never come back. On the way home from school I felt redicules as usual, I always feel so bullied, it's quite pathetic, I'm big enough to ignore things, surely, I know I am. Without my strength I have no excuse for picking on others. Anyway, that aside, I decided that I will definatley commit suicide when I begin to develop bunions on my feet.
tap tap tap at 20:23
Tom you really are fantastic.
"I'm thinking about the girl on the bus, whose hands are the biggest I've seen; they hang like hams on the end of her green-jumpered arms. No wonder she seems to have no control of them. I will have my camera tomorrow to photograph them, if I dare."
tap tap tap at 20:11
I've got that sickness that lingers but doesn't penetrate directly, that gooey throat and gooey head, and eyes that feel like large round balls trying to fit through small square holes. I decided that a brief flirtation with the shower might refresh me, but instead my skin is stinging and I smell of camping (the wet grass, canvas tent, soggy socks) back in my youth. All in all a failed attempt then. The cold weather seems to have finally hit my skin, leaving it feeling powdery and tough, and when drawn on, the texture is as perfect as a piece of paper. Quite tingly today, but more than that I am aching, it's probably the effect of people telling me I'm not well, so my subconcious is taking this as the truth.
For a few days now I've had the pleasure of posessing five photographs of myself when only three years old or so, before I moved, before I felt the pressures of life. They make me giggle, as my face smiles and pouts and screws itself up. Silly white blonde hair, and 80's dresses hang off me, and those tights that never really fitted (a few hours of running around the house, and the feet would have stretched to as long as my legs). Purples and pinks and yellows, all colours that I readily avoid now, perhaps that is why, maybe I've had my fair share of pink, purples and yellows, now I have the limitations of greys, blacks and browns, I over-indulged back then. Fuck, those were the good times. I have to carefully extract what knowledge I have of my childhood, because my imagination always outwayed the truth back then, I guess it's the same for all kids. Damn, still nothing special.
tap tap tap at 20:02
Wednesday, March 3
Does this look like a happy smile to you?
tap tap tap at 20:55
There's three of me.
We all hate you.
You, you, you.
Any colour
Any pattern
You're hated.
Any wavelength
Any number
You're hated.
I want to say
"Well, I don't mind.
Aslong as they don't
Come too close."
I hate you.
tap tap tap at 20:51
Tramps, Fox Hunting, Cancer...
tap tap tap at 20:25
You are the pack of cards to me.
tap tap tap at 20:08
How amusing... http://www.ampiaistehdas.net/not_found.html
tap tap tap at 19:41
From guardian.com
News that the grave of the great Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca is soon to be exhumed is causing considerable controversy.
Lorca never considered himself a political poet but rather a man of the people. His works focused on human suffering and injustices.
But in the lead-up to the civil war in the 1930s, this was enough to make him hated by Spain's right-wing nationalists.
Like thousands of others during the conflict, Lorca was shot in August 1936 and buried in a mass grave.
In many ways he symbolises the country's painful 20th-century history, and its modern-day struggle to come to terms with the past.
Etc etc
tap tap tap at 18:01
Tuesday, March 2
Grumpy, grim, but grateful for being me.
tap tap tap at 20:10
I don't even think people want to be intelligent anymore.
tap tap tap at 20:00
Everybody fuck off. Nicola she's gay. And so is mostest of peoples.
tap tap tap at 19:58
Song of Departing Day
Day, what a hard time I have
letting you leave.
You go off filled with me.
You return and don't know me.
What a hard time I have
leaving your bosom
possible concretions
of impossible minutes.
In the eveing a Perseus
files away your chains
and you cut your feet.
Powerless to lure you
and my flesh and my tears
and the rivers on which
you sleep your golden siesta.
From East to West
I bear your round light.
Your vast light that keeps
my soul highly tensed.
From East to West
what a hard time I have
bearing you with your birds
and your windy arms.
tap tap tap at 10:39
Suicide
(Maybe it was because you hadn't
mastered your geometry)
The lad was going blank.
It was ten in the morning.
His heart was growing full
of broken wings and rag flowers.
He noticed there remained
just one word on his lips.
And when he took off his gloves
a soft ash fell from his hands.
A tower showed through the balcony door.
He felt he was the balcony and tower.
No doubt he saw how the clock,
stopped in its case, surveyed him.
He saw his shadow quiet and prone
on the white silk divan.
And the stiff geometrical youth
smashed the mirror with a hatchet.
When it broke, a great burst of shadow
flooded the illusory room.
I'm at school all free and everything, because sociology was cancelled. I'm reading poems by Lorca in registration as it's book week. Here you go... some words extracted for your singular reading pleasure.
tap tap tap at 10:34
Monday, March 1
I'm not sorry.
tap tap tap at 10:30
Sunday, February 29
There's a little black dot and I just can't rub it away
Over skies and carpets is a shadow that sticks
There's a little black dot more permanent each day
Poking and poking until bleeding and screaming
There's a little black mark and I just can't wash it out
Over minds and eyes is a feeling that sticks
There's a little black mark, they scream and they shout
Kicking and beating until bleeding and weeping
There's a bigger black mark under us, over them
Over sea and land is a torment that sticks
There's a bigger black mark with an army of one thousand and ten
Bombing and crushing until our streets are only ashes
And the black is that of the charred bodies
But the blackest is the sky above them
tap tap tap at 20:21
Frankie drew some pictures, she should have burnt them before they hit the paper, but see what you think.
tap tap tap at 17:28
Saturday, February 28
There's no sand on this beach, and nothing at all in this smile.
tap tap tap at 21:16
Oh Banana co.
We really love you and we need you
And oh banana co.
We'd really love to believe you
But everything's underground
We gotta dig it up somehow
Yeah yeah
Oh she said "No go"
She said she'd like to
She's seen you
But no, no go
She knows if you die then we all do
And everything's underground
We've gotta dig it up somehow
Yeah yeah
Everything's burning down
We gotta put it out somehow
Yeah yeah
Lyrically not so good, but musically sweet and yellow.
tap tap tap at 21:01
13.15 : Three thoughts. Two sore eyes. One focus.
tap tap tap at 13:19
Friday, February 27
When I thought giving up was the answer
I saw my reflexes cry in shame
My leg kicked high and left a purple blot on my other leg
My hand swooped in to catch my voice
(Muzzled means cautioned and the sound moistened)
No tears would come to my blue eyes punctuated by the bloodshot
I beaconed the new light to force that salt water
Inflating inside, boiling and bursting
The fingers of the left hand were all that could be controlled
They each had a purpose
Which each had forgotten. Fin.
tap tap tap at 09:04
Woo Melt Banana
Woo Fugazi
Woo Blood Brothers
Woo Peaches
Woo The Shins
Woo Deerhoof
Woo Xiu Xiu
Woo M83
Woo Modest Mouse
Woo Arab Strap
Woo Explosions In The Sky
Woo Dj Shadow
Woo Patti Smith
Woo Wire
Woo Slint
Woo Set Fire To Flames
Woo Whitehouse
Woo Aphex Twin
Woo Red House Painters
Woo The Good Life
Woo The Murder Of Rosa Luxemburg
Woo Death Cab For Cutie
Woo Bonnie Price Billy
Woo The Plot To Blow Up The Eiffel Tower
Woo Matmos
Woo Brassy
Woo Fin Fang Foom
Woo The Intima
Woo Cha Cha Cohen
Woo Godspeed!
Woo you.
tap tap tap at 08:44
Thursday, February 26
I am so sorry that I don't write anything as sustained or emotional as I used to. www.merzkiyi.blogspot.com...
tap tap tap at 20:02
Time travel would make me sick.
tap tap tap at 19:55
tap tap tap at 19:43
Wednesday, February 25
Bob Hardy - Franz Ferdinand
"I think people have this illusion of art school as being either two things, incredibly pretentious kind of guys, who walk around reading Camus all day or zany, wacky kind of like "Woo, look at me I'm wearing a funny hat" kind of thing which it's not really true. People who go to art school are actually the most normal people that I've ever met, just incredibly excited about creating things, creating something new and not scared about tackling new ideas...so maybe that's the key to art school bands".
If you love me.
tap tap tap at 21:13
Monday, February 23
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE FUNERAL - Arab Strap
The night before the funeral, I got some. I sneaked a young girl up the stairs and past my mum. I took her clothes off and I played with her bits and she did the same but it took ages for me to come. Too drunk and getting old... It was a lovely show for a god I don't believe in. I couldn't sing a single note at the service. When they did "How Great Thou Art" all I could think of was my old LP. of hymns by Elvis. There's no such thing as sin... I said to Laura, "I hope I know you forever and when I'm going, I'm going the Viking way. Lay me in a boat with my favourite things and set me on fire then send me on my way. Kick me out to sea." There's no such thing as sin...
ACT OF WAR
If your hair was a call to arms and your legs were what skirts are for then your mouth was a red alert but your eyes were an act of war. I needed a nurse and a mother, I needed an open-minded whore. I needed a barmaid and a lover. Someone to stand between me and the floor. But when we attacked, it was never swiftly. We must have been locked in combat for years. Our new hardwood floor was the perfect battleground so I suppose the bullets were our tears. Okay, I know we threw some things about and i'm sure that you got in a punch or two and is it true your comrade's been asking if I'm the sort of man who could ever sink to hit you too? "Why does she always have bruises? They'd be much happier apart" the fact is, you've always been clumsy be it with tables at your work or with my heart.
SERENADE
And I'd serenade you every night but you'd never be home to hear it. I wrote your name with fireworks in the sky but you never turned up to see it. So let me take you out and buy you drinks and I can mumble through an explanation. I hear you know that's when you're getting old, when all you really want's a conversation. Don't get me wrong, I've always had plans for your lips and my lips. The first time I saw you I saw all my future right between your hips. You're a woman who can teach me stuff. The kind of girl I want to bathe and dance with. But just ignore me now I understand; I only go for girls i've got no chance with. Look up right now, the sky's on fire. I want your breath when I retire. I want your feet to scratch my shin, to make me bleed and scar the skin.
tap tap tap at 21:42
If the yoghurt didn't look so smooth, would it taste so smooth? Crippled by tears today, how do I feel? Like a skeleton. School wasn't bad, but it's not very important. Dreaming again last night, though I thought I was awake. Chris haunted my dreams, "Lets get really fucked up frrrraannkie" at some crazy party.
Music - 'Caring is Creepy' The Shins
tap tap tap at 21:12
Sunday, February 22
3typesoflove. thereare.
tap tap tap at 16:37
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Maybe one day explanations are in order,
but for the time being, they're too hopeless.
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
Messy
What a mess.
tap tap tap at 16:14
Saturday, February 21
Alberto Giacometti seems to be more exciting than I anticipated, I wish I had more time to get to know him.
"Once in my father's studio, when I was eighteen or nineteen, I was drawing some pears which were on a table - at the usual still-life distance. But they kept getting smaller and smaller. I'd begin again, and they'd always go back to exactly the same size. My father got irritated and said: 'Now start doing them as they are, as you see them. And he corrected them to life-size. I tried to do them like that, but I couldn't help rubbing out; so I rubbed them out, and half an hour later my pears were exactly as small to the millimetre as the first ones."
I think I must I will.
tap tap tap at 21:01
Happy happy. Happy. Happy happy.
What a horrible word for something so good. Too many p's. Not enough o's.
tap tap tap at 20:58
Oh what the fuck?
tap tap tap at 11:35
I wish I was more like Tom, or anyone of my friends, they amaze me. Just some control, or constancy or fluency in something, or a talent, or a passion, or an influence or maybe even good looks. Self pity is so dirty. When do I grow old? I'll never progress, unless I know, unless I can plan- how fake is that? Planning? That isn't security, that's cowardice, maybe, maybe I'm scared of safety, and going some place nice, I'm scared of failure. I've got to let things happen, or notice them atleast, get out of bad habits. Family is useless, it means nothing "Nobody really knows anything". Is it the sunlight that makes me angry? You'll grow to hate me and I'll hate you.
I didn't finish the Brussels story, who fucking cares.
tap tap tap at 11:29
Maybe someday I'll write a story of all the people who have weakened or inspired me, and then leave a blank page for those who had no effect at all.
Look at all these sentences.
Good day to you, fans.
tap tap tap at 09:31
I'm listening to Ikara Colt, but it's fading because my mind doesn't want to hear it, it wants silence to break a tear into.
I've screwed up the day already.
Last years love was so different.
I'm numb, again, without the gilded hand of drugs.
No explanations. Need a challenge, discomfort, fear and hope... I have non.
tap tap tap at 09:24
Friday, February 20
Stupid stupid me.
Lost in fatality.
Singing about love an' war
As if I have any hold.
Nev
Er...
Mind?
tap tap tap at 23:04
It's a long time since we had pictures
...or a smile.
tap tap tap at 22:58
tap tap tap at 17:38
Bored Lonely Sweetless [Spinning on head]
tap tap tap at 17:17
Yehr, so Brussels...
So many long journeys, hard to define between them, each one a regurgitation of the last with perhaps an addedor subtracted colour to the interior colour scheme. Car, train, underground, train, metro, metro, tram, metro, train, underground, train, car. London seemed to usurp Belgiums purpose, as it was far more exciting and there was more chance of death and things. In Camden Gilligan and I perused the quaint/smelly areas only to turn our back on 'being hardcore' and sold out by going to Virgin Megastore and buying CD's. Oops. So, Ikara Colt is fantastic and I don't know why I didn't buy it sooner. I like Camden, noone looks at you funny.
On the Eurostar to Brussels an old stinky man boarded the train at London, reeking of piss. The 'Piss Man'. I can't imagine how he got like that, he didn't look too dirty, but he was french as he departed our company at Lille. I feel absolute sympathy for the woman further down the carriage who had to suffer his piss soaked stench and sit next to him for an hour. Nevermind, I had to sit next to Gilligan.
Even though it was only three days, most of my adventure is blurry, almost half disintigrated in to a dream, I remember the room in which we stayed; small, very compact, and I remember being worried that I might be killed during my sleep. I remember talking in my sleep, about nothing, and a response of grunts from Gilligan suggesting I go back to sleep. I remember MTV; Britney Spears, Scissor Sistors, and a whole bunch of Micheal Gondry videos. I remember extensive amounts of walking, the pain of two heavey bags weighing me down, and the inconstant arrival at places of interest, because really, in Brussels, there is nothing to do in two days.
Will finish story later... Oliver is going home today... need to feed him Vegemite on toast.
tap tap tap at 11:53
Thursday, February 19
SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK VENICE SINK SINK VENICE SINK VENICE SINK SINK
tap tap tap at 20:47
I hope the new design (the little that there is) isn't too 80's or 'Beetle juice' for anyone, it's I've just run out of ideas, aren't I reliable. Always running out.
tap tap tap at 20:21
Yours truelly.
tap tap tap at 20:12
I'm home, back in to the sunlight. Belgium is miserable, I'll reflect on it later, when I'm not reminded of how it drained me of life and energy. "London was buzzing." I wonder how many times that phrase has been used to refer to London.
I really just want to go back to bed, I feel complete nothingness, with a hint of sadness because I just read someones blog and it was negative, pretty grim to read. Pretensious. Argh.
If anybody wants me I'll be in my head.
tap tap tap at 09:28
Sunday, February 15
She says It helps with the lights out
Her rabid glow is like braille to the night.
She swears I'm a slave to the details
But if your life is such a big joke, why should I care?
The clock is set for nine but you know you're gonna make it eight.
So that you two can take some time, teach each other to reciprocate.
She feels that my sentimental side should be held with kid gloves
But she doesn't know that I left my urge in the icebox
She swears I'm just prey to the female,
Well then hook me up and throw me, baby cakes, cuz I like to get hooked.
The clock is set for nine but you know you're gonna make it eight.
All the people that you've loved they're all bound to leave some keepsakes.
I've been swinging all the time, think it's time to learn your way.
I picture you and me together in the jungle it will be ok.
I'll bring you when my lifeboat sails through the night
That is supposing you don't sleep tonight
It's like learning a new language
Helps me catch up on my mime
If you don't bring up those lonely parts
This could be a good time
You come here to me.
We'll pick up those lonely parts and set them down
You come here to me...
She says brief things, her love's a pony
My love's subliminal
tap tap tap at 12:59
Saturday, February 14
My heart is sinking, I can feel it, deeper, with more force, faster, out of my body, into the floor, away, further, to someone else, who doesn't want it, and I am all but saved, a fragile wreck on the floor, like a table upturned, and I'm suddenly falling/being sucked into the ground, my head first, then shoulders follow, etc, an ostrich? emu? all going under, slow, slower, slow, slow, slow... little feet sticking out.
tap tap tap at 19:32
The Cremaster Cycle
www.cremaster.net
tap tap tap at 12:48
Dream Stone
tap tap tap at 11:24
Friday, February 13
People are good.
Oliver. Tom. Alex. Peter. Gillian. Joey. Toni. Di. Anna.
Those are the best ones.
tap tap tap at 19:48
Thursday, February 12
A real entry.
I'm at home, better get the irrelevant stuff out of the way first; my eyes are really sore and the sun is horribly white. I didn't get any hassle off my parents this morning when I didn't get up, they just left me in bed, it felt like a punishment. Last night Mum asked if everything was ok, but when she was lying there so peacefully, and looked like she was asking because it was her duty I had to say "Yes, just fine." She says I'm looking pale, and not eating properly, both true. Nevermind. I wrote my English Essay as planned, and will attend the lesson shortly, then follow it up with Lunch with Oliver, then a free period doing Sociology and finally an hour with Walker discussing our Sociological research, fun fun fun.
I'm looking forward to filming Tom, his wistful glances are quite ideal, and his naivity to filming is perfect for my character.
I'm looking forward to Belgium, and London, I have no idea what will happen; beautiful.
I'm looking forward to having time. Time to read books and make things, although I don't know when that will be.
Nevermind, aye?
tap tap tap at 10:54
Wednesday, February 11
Who wins and who loses. Argh, argh. It'll all happen again. Shut up frankie, you loser, you see.
tap tap tap at 20:15
Be realistic
tap tap tap at 18:11
Home again, home again, home again, home.
Thinking myself in circles, driving into brick walls, closing all the windows, breaking all the possibilities, sobbing out the irrelevant, turning my back on the future, loosing track of the past... makes me so sick, there's not much I can do about it right now, I'm heading for the corner. Dunce.
Took the usual route to school this afternoon, was almost sick in the snicket. My head is a spinning plate with nothing to be served, just lots to go rotten, then be thrown away.
I'll look up and down, something might help me out. I could play the tambourine.
tap tap tap at 18:00
Tuesday, February 10
I don't think.
I don't even fucking think.
I don't fucking think.
tap tap tap at 17:02
I DONE WRASSLED WITH
AN ALLIGATOR, I DONE
TUSSLED WITH A
WHALE, I DONE
HANDCUFFED LIGHTENING,
THROWN THUNDER IN
JAIL, THAT'S BAD,
ONLY LAST WEEK
I MURDERED A ROCK
INJURED A STONE,
HOSPITALIZED A BRICK
I'M SO MEAN I MAKE
MEDICINE SICK
tap tap tap at 16:28
Our hero returns.
I don't usually take commands very well, but on this occasion... here I am by request.
I'm extatic, and dramatic today and positive and negative and repelling my self into each corner of the house. Woke up shaking, a wreck by all acounts, but happy. Oh. Fucks sake, this is boring, noone wants to read this. Sorry.
tap tap tap at 16:03
Friday, January 30
Impulsive? Boring?
I always wanted to be beautifully tragic.
Keep your composure in the yellow day-light,
Well up and fall into your paper dress at night.
Tear it up when you feel it cutting your eyes,
Leave, but tread carefully around your dead mice.
I lie, then, that's cool.
Madness is the beggining of much sanity.
tap tap tap at 21:35
Wednesday, January 28
Everything is getting worse, I'm upset and I'm tired and I've never in my life been relieved of this.
No, that's all lies, I'm a teenager, of course it's bad.
Not sure how much more I can take.
tap tap tap at 19:50
Tuesday, January 27
'Desative' - verb - an amalgamation of destructive behaviour and creative progression.
Nothing to report exactly. Sick with worry, sick with sherbert. Sore eyes, sore tongue, sore syntaxes. Snowing, durr. Want to drink the eye fluid in the little cup. Punched my locker today, in hate and horror, and pity for my weak concious, and weak conciousness. Burying myself away each day, silly, shouldn't, should keep my head high out of pride- not because I want to look at the sky. Not because I want to look at the sky. Nothing to need anymore, just fear to engulf, and it will soon, then I'll deny and fall away, my back is crooked.
Really sore back bone and adjacent muscles.
tap tap tap at 22:43
Sunday, January 25
Extract from 'Everything Must Go' - Patrick Jones
once upon a time when work work meant something
once upon a time a dignity a meaning a beginning a
middle and an end and you cared about what the next
man did or thought not not now each to own and own
to each and who cares so long as we scrabble for the
crumbs and we are happy we don't care al al alone in giga
bytes and e mail messages bills biting tounges fake
crucifixion of brown envelopes afraid to put the heating
on a discipline from desperation a stuttered voice from
stapled lips the frustration adrenalin threading nowhere
left to fend let the market decide we are all consumer
durables staring at the clock staring at the light like
moths circling circling the light that kills is the light
that births forever forever circling a crucifix light i i
only only i i only want a job i can believe in and gives
me something to do and feel ok about getting up in the
morning i only wnat my kids to be proud of what their
mam and dad do do do i only want a job a path a piece
of sunlight i only
once upon the time
once upon a time
tap tap tap at 18:11
Saturday, January 24
New Beings tracks from Australia, and Space food, from Space, not made of Skunk this time, ok?
Camera Obscura tonight at The Vine.
tap tap tap at 14:53
Remember
tap tap tap at 14:51
Friday, January 23
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I should really be less cool so the other kids don't feel so low.
Oh man.
tap tap tap at 21:25
Music can be fun.
Art can be trivial.
And Literature can be boring.
That's what the Lord told me.
tap tap tap at 20:51
Stay!
tap tap tap at 20:45
So, I'm mean.
Yeah, that's the conclusion of the week. Infact it's been really poor this week for Frankie, lots of friends and aquaintances are telling me I am horrible, bitter and they don't know 'when I'm joking'. The fact is I don't care, but surely I must if I'm bothering to type this. I'm afraid I am wicked, and I am cruel and I am heartless to the ones I have no respect for. I do like to get a reaction out of people, my days flow smoothly with a delicate sprinkling of hate and bitterness, there is no denying that, and people must surely understand that I am always like that. I must say that this week I have licensed myself to say a lot more of what I think than usual, resulting in various insults and lectures to people who perhaps wont be able to digest my horrible seriousness, often laced with uncomprehendable wit... I chuckle.
But here I remind myself that I can't expect everyone to take my garbage with a pinch of salt, ot even sugar because I am not sweet... Once again, I chuckle.
Nevermind, eh?
tap tap tap at 17:57
Sunday, January 18
tap tap tap at 11:09
Shit week. Shit.
Save me from what everyone else is becoming, and let me sleep.
I'm so happy.
tap tap tap at 11:08
Sunday, January 11
What a fun day. Gifts all neat and tidy, and a party and space cake just for me!
tap tap tap at 12:21
Saturday, January 10
Happy Birthday Frankie
tap tap tap at 13:15
Friday, January 9
I think i'm drunk enough to drive you home now
I'll keep my mouth kept shut under lock and key
That's rusted firm, no lie
'Cause all these conversations wind on and on...
Drinking champagne from a paper cup
Is never quite the same
And every sip's moving through my eyes
And up into my brain
At half past two; about time to leave
'Cause the dj's playing rhythm and blues
A sad-sorry state, stutter step to those slammin' grooves
As i'm waiting around for you.
tap tap tap at 18:45
"I'd squeeze a heart through my fingertip,
but I type too slow to make expressions stick.
And it's like TV with a microchip. "
tap tap tap at 18:35
Sunday, January 4
Sleepflower - MSP
Morning always seems too stale to justify
Lament blossoms, hours minutes of our lives
Broken thoughts run through your empty mind
At least a beaten dog knows how to lie
I feel like I'm missing pieces of sleep
A memory fades to a, a pale landscape
You were an extinction, a desert heat
A blind illness of my anxiety
Endless hours in bed, no peace, in this mind
No one knows the hell where innocence dies
Fragments crawling like cobwebs on stone
Blows away the safety only a sleeping pill knows
I feel like I'm missing pieces of sleep
A memory fades to a, a pale landscape
You were an extinction, a desert heat
A blind illness of my anxiety
I feel like I'm missing pieces of sleep
A memory fades to a, a pale landscape
You were an extinction, a desert heat
A blind illness of my anxiety
tap tap tap at 21:59
tap tap tap at 15:39
for no good reason.
Like people.
tap tap tap at 14:02
My name is frankie, and I like Emo.
tap tap tap at 13:32
Many dreams last night/this morning. Really great ones, not like the thrasher type ones I have been experiencing of late.
My first dream, saw me in a train, a metal, cold and grey train. It was wartime, though which war was implicit. I can't think why I was there, perhaps trying to get away from somewhere. I was with a man, (I was older) and for some reason I loved him. But he loved another, and we journeyed on the train together for days, perhaps weeks or even years. His love was a girl, but her face was forgettable and she was pathetic yet stubborn by nature. He had no idea how I felt, and I could never bring myself to tell him (whether this was because I knew if I told him my love he'd repel me- even more than he did, or because wartime is a terrible time to love, sure to end in disaster.) How we came to be on the train wasn't clear, there were many stops, sometimes at stations, sometimes just on the track between fields and forests.
The journey began as we took position at opposite sides of the train, my clothes were browns, blacks and greys, he wore a dirty grey suit and tie, with a satchel over his left shoulder, I wish I could remember his face, but it scowled for sure. His unhappiness was apparent, and I was nervous. We spent hours falling about the rackety train, often thinking together, or bickering or more than often feeling the wicked silence of conversation and the rush of wind down the isle. We were different to the other passengers, I don't know if they were perhaps foreign or lower in status, but we never conversed with them, and even to them we were invisible.
Early on in the journey, the mans' love climbed aboard, I watched him sob over her, she said things I couldn't hear and he shook his head. His arms clasped her far too tight, and she pushed him away. This continued for a long while, and I remained unnoticed, they didn't care that I was there, or perhaps they didn't know. A few stops later she totted away through the rank doors, falling back into her world, but in reality just another field. Her hat a tad askew and he box shaped handbag on her arm, she didn't even wave her red-gloved hands, the man was broken. His forehead against the steely wall, his shoulders curved forward. She was much like me, but more vibrant, more exciting, her red lips spoke better words than mine.
A child with ginger curly locks boarded toward the end of the journey, she passed by us into the carriage (we stood either side of the carriage door at the bottom end furthest away from the driver) and I never saw her again, I had I feeling she was gone forever. The Station from which she boarded was cold, damp and grey, surrounded by trees, with no apparent town or village around, which was odd, but I felt that during the wartime, everything was questionable with the safest bet being to ignore obscurities.
Now his love had left him forever I just wanted to hold him, and tell him things would be OK, but for the rest of the journey he sobbed quietly and I stared impatiently hoping he would stop. I didn't dare say anything, or even breathe, tears welled in my eyes and I bit my fingernails, letting the train throw me about. I waited for something to stir us up again, but nothing happened and we stood apart until I woke up.
tap tap tap at 12:49
Written half way through my Art prep.
"You fall asleep and forget your name
Hoping the dream will be the same
Stopping the tears is impossible in unconsciousness
Then the eyeliner stains the pillow..."
tap tap tap at 12:25
Friday, January 2
Waiting, wondering,
While trying to own up, if I find the words,
Apologies are useless without
An address to send them to
Waiting, wondering,
How long you could be missing from my life
Without a clue
I've racked my brain about a hundred times a day
I'm confused by everything, I've used my means,
I'm still uncertain
Now it boils down to one big question
Are we separated by five states, two countries,
Or the next town over?
Sad girls for life
(I just want to say)
I've racked my brain about a hundred times a day
I'm confused by everything,
I've used my means,
I'm still uncertain
Waiting, wondering
I guess I'll keep my fingers
Crossed till I can get an answer
Sad girls for life
Sad Girls Por Vida - PGMG
tap tap tap at 17:13
Thursday, January 1
Four hours since I took the caffine pills...
No effect really. Or maybe.
Silly little heart flying all over the place!
tap tap tap at 16:52
Don't remember writing this, but apparently I did on the 9th of the 12th.
There's no direction, and no subject.
"When cold nights drew in and I held my own warmth beneath layers, deflecting any minds stray, I couldn't help but think of you close and curved wrapped around me. Melting snow under your feet and mine as we danced and ran in sleet and the unhealthy-type weather. Vexed in your presence I'd fall to the ground with submission, just to see the dark in your mirror and the light in your smile.
Morning would break, the sun would blunt my thought, pouted lips kiss the bitter air as the world sucks me out into it's routine. Don't touch me. "
Tenses all over the place. But that is the beauty!
tap tap tap at 16:50
Fine day for fire
tap tap tap at 16:29
Tuesday, December 23
I wasn't the corpse at the party... woo.
tap tap tap at 13:26
Saturday, December 20
No hassle please. x
tap tap tap at 13:56
I awoke feeling like I'd been awake for 10 hours previous, easily manouvering my frame around the house. Make-up still resting on my eyes, looking like a stereo-typical goth which is a tad unfortunate. My hair spilling over my shoulders, pyjamas intact making my body look like a childs.
The Christmas tree isbeing errected in the corner of the hall, my father painfully holds and handles it, shaping it furthur into the corner as if he'd hope it would eventually vanish into the wall. I expect sooner or later I'll be roped into applying various glitter and glam.
Her (mother) birthday has been hurrendous so far, she moans already and surely on the verge of tears thanks my father for his card, alas under her breath mutters "If it's true." I can't please her anymore, no matter what I achieve or speak or give. I'm sympathetic, she doesn't see it.
tap tap tap at 12:59
Friday, December 19
Shu'up yeah?
tap tap tap at 16:17
Sunday, December 14
I'm having a really bad day/week and the sad thing is- I am loving it. Everything can be seen clearly (or not) leaving me much more room to think. The weather is perfect for this, reminds me of early last year when dreams were so beautiful, and walking on The Stray was my biggest desire. Now it's just too perfect, too comfortable and too un-frankie. At the same time it's absolute horror, as I can't keep on top of work or play and feel neglected and neglecting. About time I started writing again, as the writing competition really put me in my place. Going to have to work a lot harder, exhaust this mind even furthur.
Seem to have plans everywhere, and dreams and hope and all that inside one little moment. Then I go over-board and realise it's the most rediculas thread of thought ever stiched in me, time to re-evaluate.
I can't think of much more exciting than the prospect of a life, with direction and colour, and every second I get closer... but it's a shame there is so much in my way right now.
Had to get photos for my drivers license today. I like them, I look horrible. Mother said "You could have at least smiled a little." But I repleid... "What sort of person would I look like if I smiled when sat on my own in a tiny booth, with only the sickly white screen for company?" I don't want to drive, cars are no friend of mine.
Made a christmas card last night, still deciding what lucky person will recieve it.
tap tap tap at 12:05
Saturday, December 6
Bastard Joseph and his wanker-coloured dream coat.
tap tap tap at 22:57
Bipolar disorder involves cycles of mania and depression. Signs and symptoms of mania include discrete periods of increased energy, activity, restlessness, racing thoughts, and rapid talking; excessive "high" or euphoric feelings; extreme irritability and distractibility; decreased need for sleep; unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers; uncharacteristically poor judgment; a sustained period of behavior that is different than usual; increased sexual drive; abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications; provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior; denial that anything is wrong.
Signs and symptoms of depression include discrete periods of persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness or pessimism; feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities, including sex; decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"; difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions; restlessness or irritability; sleep disturbances; loss of appetite and weight, or weight gain; chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical disease; thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts.
tap tap tap at 22:53
So long I have spent in gloom. And now I want to return.
New years resolution- EFFORT.
tap tap tap at 22:48
The spider spreads her webs, whether she be
In poet's tower, cellar, or barn, or tree;
The silkworm in the dark mulberry leaves
His winding-sheet and cradle ever weaves
So I, a thing whom moralists call worm,
Sit spinning still round this decaying form,
From the fine threads of rare and subtle thought,
No net of words in garish colours wrought
To catch the idle buzzers of the day-
But a soft cell where, when that fades away,
Memory may clothe in wings my living name,
And feed it with the aphodels of fame
Which is those hearts which must remember me
Grow, making love an immortality.
P.B. Shelly from 'Letter to Maria Gisborne'
tap tap tap at 22:44
Friday, November 21
Snap.
That is the noise of the nerve endings slowley breaking behind my eyes. Too tired to join conversation, too exhausted to add an input...
I'm falling in and out of conciousness 24-7, in lessons in time in rest until the incontinuity is forgotten and the fluency is prominant. I sleep but I wake too early.
Oliver oliver oliver.
Snap, roll over... repeat.... *tears* snap. Silence.
tap tap tap at 01:21
Sunday, November 16
My mouth, my face... all dirty. Crying can't wash it away, it's all tattered... all washed up.
tap tap tap at 21:48
Sunday, November 9
Some people have the charisma of a cart horse.
What do I do, when I don't want to love or ever be intimate.
tap tap tap at 17:34
Saturday, November 8
Whores
tap tap tap at 18:31
MANIC STREET PREACHERS LYRICS
"My Little Empire"
My little empire
Has risen and it's set
My little empire
Is as good as it can get
My little empire
Is coming around
My little empire
It don't make a sound
My royalty it does not exist
It is extinct for the eye to see
My ideology it is dead and gone
Almost forgotten for the eye to see
My little empire
I'm sick of being sick
My little empire
I'm tired of being tired
My little empire
I'm bored of being bored
My little empire
I'm happy being sad
All of my sins are attempts to fill the voids
All of my voids they are filled with sin
All of my demons they are kept within
And all my violence it does not exist
My little empire
I'm happy being sad
My little empire
I'm fucked with being fucked
My little empire
I'm done with being dumb
My little empire
I'm happy being sad
Happy being sad
Happy being sad
Happy being sad
tap tap tap at 18:03
Sunday, November 2
FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!
tap tap tap at 18:42
I woke up in pain.
Had dreams re-occuring all night, too hot, too cold.
tap tap tap at 15:04
HA HA WALL
If you get tired of hanging around
pick up a guitar and spin a web of sound
Then you could be strung out all day
with your lovers and clowns
(but now I find myself still hanging around..)
It's been a long war and now I'm tired and dirty
Still not dirty enough for you my love
We've been thieving, we stole the light from the dawn
But when I come round on your floor I wish I'd never been born
Can you see me? Can you see through it all?
I'm empty lost and alone oh won't you heed my call?
It's been a long war, now we're tired and dirty
Still not dirty enough for you my love....
tap tap tap at 15:02
Saturday, November 1
Think.
DRIVE.
GET out.
tap tap tap at 20:23
I don't want to write this for anyone other than myself, and with the influx of 'readers' as I made it public, I felt the constant justification of every breath, made it into someone else.
Such a restless sleep last night, and today Oliver woke me by calling. Usually my phone would be off, but I was so excited about recieving midnight text messages, I turned it on as the sun shone through my window. It was nice that he called, he says the sweetest things and I never know how to reply, a wistful glance would be ideal, but his house is just a little too far...
I began the morning with good intentions, I was forced to do chores in order to get my internet access back. The prison stops for nothing. I felt myself craving niccotine, and sniffed about for the cause. I think it was my hair, at the castle last night G lit up, I wanted to take a drag, tho I didn't. Cancer Sticks and all.
tap tap tap at 19:56
It begins here, as I did-away with the last one. Too fancy, so fancy it became ugly, and everytime I read it, there was less of me in the text... I was left following as it wrote itself.
tap tap tap at 19:45
